‘Annus Horribilis’ royal explanations needed for the royal balls up at Newcastle!

Football FanCast columnist ‘The New Voice of Football' reflects on the crazy carry ons at Newcastle
United.

I can
only imagine how Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley might prepare for the next
AGM at St James' Park, should the Magpies successfully complete their kamikaze
freefall from the Premier League. A thankful task as the United chairman must
surely have to shoulder the responsibility for what has happened on Tyneside
this season.

Now for a
cock-up of such massive proportions I would suggest taking a lead from a figure
of authority, someone, who already has coined a phrase as such to crown, such
poor runs of luck. The type of person that could forget to insure their house,
watch it burn down and still get someone else to pay for it to the tune of
millions.

Should
Newcastle go down, then a possible defence for this seasons antics would be to
take the Royal option and put it down to an ‘annus horribilis' as the Queen
would say, just one of those things. After all Ashley will have to say
something to account for his Captain Blyth method of running the ship this term
and a man of his perceived arrogance is sure to try and shrug it off somehow.

Keeping
to matters on the pitch first. High on the agenda would be the explanation I'm
sure is still wanted on Tyneside as to exactly why Newcastle's prodigal son,
King Kev was teased and cajoled until he could resist the meddling of the board
no longer and indulged in his favourite pastime as a football manager and quit.
Still I'm sure Keegan will be back at St James', evangelical TV has been
pushing the ‘Third Coming' of ‘The Messiah' quite heavily recently,
though there was no mention of Newcastle specifically.

Then
polite enquiries might be made as to why Joe Kinnear was appointed
interim-leader to the Toon Army after the departure of Newcastle's beloved son.
Was there no manager, who had managed recently at any sort of decent level
prepared to take the St James' hot seat? Is there any truth to the
whisper that the only reason Kinnear was appointed, was due to the Irishman being
the only person not have un-friended Dennis Wise on facebook after the Keegan
kerfuffle?

Now
having Kinnear as the man, who deals day-to-day with the media, when you are
busy hawking the club around the Middle-East trying to sell it, was never the
brightest idea. And sure enough Joe did not take long to portray the sunny new
image of a post-Keegan Newcastle. God only knows (and nobody knows where King Kev was at the time) what all the media
linked prospective buyers thought, when a week in to his tenure at the Magpies
after four-years in the football-management wilderness. Kinnear launches a
verbal tirade at a press conference including 52 expletives and the labelling
of one attendee as a "c***".

This was
the moment when the possibility of Ashley offloading Gerry Cottles…I mean
Newcastle in the Middle East became very slim to say the least. The oilmen
simply don't do embarrassing. The fact that Ashley wanted to double the return
on his total investment in Newcastle, while the club resembled a circus, was also
deemed optimistic at best by parties approached across the Arab states in the
prostitution of Newcastle by Ashley. As the value of anything is determined by
the value and integrity of its parts and of the parts that make up any Premier
League club, board, manager, players and fans. Only the latter to a man could
be mentioned in that class, with their willingness to expose far too much flesh
for the cause on the grimmest of days in the North East.

Not that
I blame Kinnear, who told it like it was. The job was simply too much for him
and should never have been handed the reins at St James' Park in the first
place, having last managed in 2004, successfully taking Nottingham Forest to
the bottom of the Championship before being sacked, which Ashley clearly
misinterpreted as bad luck.

Despite
Kinnear appearing to steady a creaky Newcastle, this never really showed in the
results and the Magpies started their slide. Still no super-rich oilmen on the
horizon to buy the club in an Ashley anticipated Eastlands like extravaganza.
Never mind Kinnear would always have the transfer window to try and turn things
round.

This too
was always going to prove a disaster, Kinnear had no experience of the modern
transfer market and as for Wise; well could he convince you to go somewhere if
you had a choice?

The loss
of Shay Given and Charles N'Zogbia, with the latter, who could hardly wait to
leave United and the former, who had been Newcastle's best player over the past
decade, were not compensated by the arrival of Kevin Nolan, Peter Lovenkrands
and Ryan Taylor a makeweight in the N'Zogbia deal. In fact the whole stress of
the transfer window seems to have almost done for Kinnear, who had to have
bypass surgery shortly afterwards and is highly unlikely to sit in the St
James' dugout again. Unless some cruel twist of fate brings him back there, as
Carlisle boss in the Johnsons Paint Trophy or equivalent in the future.

So with a
squad lighter in quality in January, but with Ashley managing to cash in on one
major asset in Given and make a bit on Kinnear favourite Insomnia, to boost his
bank balance since there was still no buyer, with a manager, who was struggling
anyway, but now too ill to guide the team since early February. It should come
as no surprise that Newcastle find themselves where they are now, with
relegation a more than distinct possibility. Surely Ashley could not have
overlooked anything else that might make matters worse?

Of course
he could. It now appears that Ashley, will be caught out in the most royal way,
should United be relegated, with steady hands Mike reportedly not making any
provisions in the players contracts for any such misfortune, with the salaries
of top-earners Obafemi Martins, Damien Duff and Fabricio Coloccini to hold firm
in the Championship, while several others will be afforded the same luxury.
With it understood that this wage bill could cripple the club and halve its
value, which will be catastrophic for a club that has lacked appeal from the
outside all season due to Ashley's bumbling. Good work fella.

Even
Wise, who is destined to join the mass ranks of the football unemployed at the
end of the season, will be nothing to rejoice for the vertically challenged
cockney's departure will do nothing to ease the pain should Newcastle end up
relegated. Because no manager, no sporting director, in the Championship with a
crippling Premiership wage bill that's non-negotiable and a share price that's
plummeting quicker than an Icelandic banks, would truly represent an ‘annus
horibbilis' in the eyes of the Toon faithful.

• Has he finally taken the HINT at Newcastle United?
• Should Ashley be taking such a calculated RISK at Newcastle?
• Will another £10m buy back the Newcastle fans?
• The £8m has ultimately proved the costliest mistake at Newcastle in years
• Surely a slap in the face for all Newcastle fans

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