The Big ‘World Cup’ Show is back in town

Football FanCast columnist Oscar Pye-Jeary reflects on the World Cup draw.

Barely a day passes at FIFA without some kind of farcical goings on. Whether it’s yet another opportunity to drag the ever tuxedo’s Pele away from his presumably constant virile love making to present an unnecessary award, a crass and shambolic press conference showing little or no respect for the smaller football nations, any public appearance by Sepp Blatter, or, in this case, a grand and maddeningly confusing cup draw.

From an English perspective, watching the draw on the BBC, we were welcomed to proceedings with an excruciatingly long sequence of VT fluff pieces. One intended to remind us that there have, amazingly, been other World Cup tournaments, one to remind us that there have been lots of famous players who’ve played in them, one to remind us that this one is being played in South Africa (ooooooh!), and one to remind us that lots of famous players will be playing in it. There was also the obligatory nostalgic slow motion sequence of clips from Italia 90, complete with Nessun Dorma and Gazza crying, just to remind us Englishmen how futile and depressing our attempts to win this tournament post 1966 have been. All this time wasting helpfully stopped us from seeing a variety of displays of South African culture and a speech from Nelson Mandela which were actually going on at the draw ceremony itself. And quite right too, who wants to pay the license fee for that sort of nonsense when we’ve got John Motson, Mark Lawrenson and an egg painted to look like Alan Shearer crammed together uncomfortably on a small part of a large sofa to speculate nonsense at Gary Linker. Well, me for a start….and presumably the other 200 million people worldwide who tuned in to watch it. However once the ceremony actually began it became quite clear why we’d spent as little time viewing it as possible.

There are times when pomp and grandeur make unnecessary things seem quite interesting, however, the extent that FIFA and the SA team had gone to make this ‘fun’ just seemed to succeed in making a necessary thing completely unnecessary. Certainly the draw itself at any rate. Having been cruelly denied any culture by the Beeb, that’s all I had to go on. Charlize Theron was clearly a coup as compare, what with her unfeasible beautifulness and global appeal. She is of course also South African, though you wouldn’t know it, as she’s added herself to ranks of actors who seem to have forgotten they aren’t American after moving there. America seems to be the only country that does this to people, and I couldn’t help but think how awful it would be if Greg Rusedski had adopted a Dick Van Dyke like accent during his time here – “Gor bliy-mey Sew, that was a raeyt crackin’ shot from Murray there don’t cha kneew don’t cha kneew me owl china”

Anyway, her glamorous presence was obviously a little too classy for FIFA as they then decided to pair her with a French Rutger Haur lookalike with an impenetrable accent who was supposedly there to help us, and Charlize, understand the myriad of complexities of the draw itself. This explanation took forever and basically consisted of him explaining something or other, in English through a very thick French accent, over some rather spooky magicians build up music while Charlize occasionally chipped in with “uh huh…and what does that do?”

After what seemed like hours, we were finally ready to begin the draw. But oh no, that was far too straight forward, so instead they wheeled out some famous sporting dignitaries to stand rather pointlessly over the several pots and hand the balls to Charlize and Rutger. These included supreme marathon runner Haile Gebrselassie, inexplicably dressed as a waiter in a curry house, South African player Matthew Booth in a leather suit (yes, a leather suit!!) and David Beckham with some kind of modern art instillation on his head.

Finally, after some horribly awkward flirting between every man and Theron, the draw was made and the state of play for the greatest show on earth was decided. England got a very lucky and favorable draw, with only the constantly improving USA standing in their way of topping the group. Those two should easily sail through.

France were rewarded for not really deserving to be there by getting the hosts, and thus ensuring subjugation to the torture that is 50 thousand vuvuzelas buzzing away for 90 minutes. Mexico and Uruguay must also face trial by plastic horn, and unless the hosts raise themselves considerably, the latter should go through with the French.

Group B looks quite tasty, with Argentina the Pot 1 side in reputation only since the carnival side show that is Diego Maradona makes their progress anything but a formality. I’d expect them to get through though, but South Korea, Nigeria and Greece can all be difficult on their day and I wouldn’t be surprised by any configuration in that group. I’d like the Argies to progress though, Maradona’s such a great character it’d be a shame to loose him so early. It’d be worth it for his ludicrously over enthusiastic celebrations alone.

Group D drew another awkward selection as Germany, Australia and Serbia all battle for a spot with Ghana most likely to prop up the group. It’s another tough draw for the Aussies who drew Croatia and Brazil last time round, but they’re generally a team who raise their game so while Germany and Serbia look the 2 likely to go through, it’s far from certain.

Italy and Spain got plum draws they’ll probably glide through while Holland and Cameroon should secure their places from group Group E

And finally the really tasty group. The group of death if you will, every World Cup has one, though the inclusion of North Korea in group Group G with perennial favorites Brazil, Cristiano Ronaldo’s Portugal and Didier Drogba’s Ivory Coast means it’s only likely to be literal for them (well, maybe not literal, but who knows what goes on in North Korea really?) It’s a really tough one for the Ivory Coast to stomach who face the group of death for the second time as they faced Argentina and Holland last time out in Germany. As the African side with the best chance of really challenging in the later stages it’s a shame they’ve been drawn in such a group again. However, the prospect of them meeting Brazil and Portugal, and indeed Brazil vs Portugal itself at least guarantees some proper stellar ‘big games’ in the group stages.

As for North Korea, well, I’d be surprised if they even knew. Reports out of Korea seem to suggest that Kim Jong-Il will not show the matches live. Apparently, the games will only be shown if Korea win and even then will be heavily edited to show them favorably. So, no games to be shown in Korea then. I’d hardly be surprised if they just pretended the World Cup had been cancelled this year.

Good thing for the rest of us it hasn’t though, cos despite the over the top ceremonies and the oncoming hysteria, I can’t help but get affected just a little by it. Even now. It’s still the biggest event on planet Sport. Always watched by more people than the Olympics and as the showpiece event for the de facto biggest Sport in the world, it’s still the Top dog, no matter what anyone says. And as such, despite my whining and hole picking, it deserves its grandeur. And after missing out on the Euros, us English fans are getting all fidgety at the chance to go barmy and hysterical for a whole summer again. We’ve almost forgotten how to do it,  but it’s just like riding a bike, we’ll soon pick it up again once the papers start telling us we’re certain to win it. So roll on the World Cup, the greatest show on Earth is here again…Roll up roll up, get your tickets here, the big show is back in town.