Shakes, Battles and Trolls – FIVE Things I noticed from the PL this weekend

Chelsea 2-4 Man City - I’ve got to start at Stamford Bridge where the tabloid equivalent of a Shakespearian tragedy (or farce) came to it’s frenzied conclusion in a fittingly theatrical fashion. More trashy American soap than the work of the Bard, The Bland and the Bountiful could hardly have been scripted better unless Wayne Bridge had scored and John Terry been sent off. The non handshake of doom didn’t disappoint (as much as someone not shaking someone else’s hand could possibly live up to whatever expectations you could possibly have of it) and even the referees seemed fascinated by what might or might not happen, ignoring their own greeting duties to stare at the main event in fascination. Unsurprisingly the world didn’t end or erupt in biblical judgment and we were all left to not enjoy a very dull first half and contemplate why on earth the Chelsea fans were booing Wayne Bridge and making themselves look like complete melons. Into the second half however and it all went completely mental. Tevez and Bellamy decided they definitely wanted a scrap with Big Man ™ before the game was out, with Tevez attempting to play a game of “who’s chest is bigger” with a man 5 inches taller than him and Craig Bellamy getting involved in the afters after mouthing something presumably unprintable during the now infamously poisonous pleasantries. And it was the neckless wonders (both quite good choices to play Caliban if Shakespeare’s works were ever to be interpreted by footballers – Take note Sports Relief) who ruled the day, scoring twice a piece to cap a memorable win for City and heap further woe on the headlining villain of the piece. In the end everyone was thoroughly fed up with the whole saga, including Michael Ballack who clearly just wanted to go home, but the possible tactic of trying and get enough people sent off to render the match void failed in the end and the last laugh of the day went to Bellamy, who signed off with one of the most hilariously honest post match interviews in recent memory. Good value for money that, I’d definitely pay to see the sequel.

Stoke 1-3 Arsenal - A real tragedy befell the Britannia Stadium as Arsenal suffered their 3^rd major career threatening leg break in 5 years. Aaron Ramsey suffered one of those horrific bendy leg moments that everyone hates looking at yet continues to look at from every possible angle they can find anyway. The concern for Ramsey overshadowed a pretty scrappy do where Rory Delap threw Stoke into the lead yet again only for Nicklas Bendtner (who’s looking more and more like he’s made of putty) to draw the Gunners Level. Arsenal rallied themselves after the injury and Eduardo almost grabbed a winner, which would have possibly been ironic, if I was sure what the real definition of ironic actually covers. Cesc Fabregas eventually did give Arsenal the lead which he then celebrated by slapping his foot, which was either a rubbish attempt to get rid of a stray pebble or the oddest tribute to a fallen comrade since Christians decided the best way to celebrate Christ was to carry around replicas of the thing that killed him. Oh and Arsene Wenger thinks the governments are recording his thoughts…or something like that.

Burnley 1-2 Pompey - Administration continues to galvanize Portsmouth, who finally got a bit of luck, even if it’s come far too late to make any difference to anything. Inspired by the sheer audacity of David James’ hair, they still ended up having to rely on the generosity of Britain’s brainiest footballer. Fresh from his Countdown success, Clarke Carlisle made a right consonant vowel consonant consonant – up in the second half by seeming to foul Piquionne twice at the same time to concede a penalty which Jamie O’ Hara then missed. Having seen his good deed unpunished, he nicely gave them another one after bizarrely attempting to Cruyff turn two players in his own penalty area. Pompey’s problems remain massive, but at least this will keep John ‘Portsmouth Football Club’ Westwood from committing suicide for another week.

Spurs 2-1 Everton – Fairly good game at White Hart Lane where Spurs started looking like they were going to run away with it and ended looking like they were going to capitulate. Everton darling Jack Rodwell missed two good chances before teeing up Landon Donovan to spectacularly miss an open goal. Tottenham plough on against all odds – and the very nature of Tottenham – and are now starting to win the games that have undone them in previous seasons. Unfortunately though, so are Manchester City.

Liverpool 2-1 Blackburn - The return of El Nino was fairly interesting. The haphazard refereeing of Alan Wiley was passably interesting. Even the slightly unhinged sarcasm of Rafa Benitez was pretty interesting, but the most interesting thing in this whole match for me was Steven Nzonzi pushing Lucas in the face. It was brilliant! Well obviously it wasn’t brilliant, it’s not something children should be copying in the play ground, but as one of those slapstick funny moments that Nick Hancock (or some other similarly out of work semi celebrity) compiles into those cheap christmas stocking filler videos, I thought it was hilarious. Lucas seemed to be falling backwards awkwardly  and instinctively  leaning on Nzonzi, possibly hoping for some help getting upright. However Nzonzi wasn’t having any of it. Instead he just threw him onto the floor…by his face. It was like a move from one of those great old Kung Fu movies where everyone’s on a wire and gets thrown miles by a single kick. How on earth he didn’t get sent of for that I’ve absolutely no idea.

Other things I noticed this week were;

I’m still surprised by how gentle and middle class Martin Keown seems even though I’ve been noticing this for months now. I’m still not sure whether Stan Collymore’s Talksport show is a brilliant Alan Partridge-esque parody of a mentally unhinged man going mad or not. Steve Bruce looks like a Lesbian in a wig – I’ve no idea why and I keep forgetting Nicky Barmby’s still alive, and am always surprised to find this out, every week.