Brits Abroad – 10 Things I noticed from the CL this week

Werder Bremen 2-2 Spurs – The new kids on the block had easily the hardest task in their first ever, cherry popping appearance in the Champions League group stages, but for 40 minutes you wouldn’t have guessed it. One of the admirable things about Tottenham Hotspur is that you can never be quite sure which Tottenham Hotspurs are liable to turn up for any given occasion. After Gareth Bale and Peter Crouch had combined to force a Bremen own goal after only 12 minutes, it looked like it was going to be the good one. Then, after a rare and wondrous occurrence – a good headed goal from Crouch (who, as we all know, can’t usually head the ball for toffee lest his neck snaps under the stress of such a heavy connection) it looked like Super Spurs were going to run away with it and all that nonsense with those young boys down in Switzerland was just a cunning ruse by ‘Arry to lengthen their odds on the Tote.. or something.  In fact for almost the entirety of the first half it looked like this Tottenham side were born to play at this level with Bale, Crouch and whichever one it is that’s currently sleeping with Danielle Lloyd looking like Champions League veterans alongside the already well-settled Dutchman Rafael Van der Vaart. But alas, the excitement got slightly the better of some of them and Assou-Ekotto attempted an almost hallucinogenic clearance from near the center circle that inexplicably managed to go backwards and out for a throw in a dangerous position on the far touchline. From said throw both he an Ledley King promptly fell fast asleep and Hugo Almeida snuggled in between them to nod a goal back, providing the spring board for the inevitable comeback, which was complete a mere 2 minutes into the second half. Crouch could and maybe should’ve won the game, but Spurs should be proud of themselves for weathering the second hardest storm they’re likely to face in this group. They will of course now lose their next home game with FC Twente, because that’s what happens with Tottenham.

Mad about the boy – If Gareth Bale keeps performing this well in both England and Europe, people beyond the usual Sky mob are going to start noticing. Brazilian kids are going to start transferring him into their FIFA 11 teams whilst street traders in Marrakesh haggle over the price of his Panini sticker. I’d sell him to Manchester United as soon as you can ‘Arry. Whereupon he’ll immediately become rubbish, blamed for their shortcomings by impatient fans or disappear from the spotlight all together. What has happened to Michael Carrick by the way?

Man Utd 0 – 0 Rangers – In what nobody except tabloid hacks and possibly about four people in Scotland were calling ‘The Battle of Britain’, Sir Alex Ferguson displayed the appropriate level of scorn for the domestic champions of his homeland nation by fielding United’s Womens Under 11s to face Rangers at Old Trafford. If this game could be described as any battle, it would  be a very slow war of attrition which nobody won. You could argue Fergie underestimated his opponents, but the fact that he was never under any danger of any kind at any point would belie that slightly, even if it’s clear he fielded a weaker team than he should have. If we were again to try and liken this to some kind of historical battle, it would undoubtedly have to be to a battle where one side hadn’t brought enough sharp swords with them, under the mistaken assumption that their enemies were made of cheese. This, they found, made them only capable of some light, rather tame non penetrative prodding, which, despite not being reciprocated – as their opponents hadn’t brought any swords of their own at all – eventually proved useless and after one of them had fallen over and hurt themselves, they all went home and had some biscuits instead. The fact I’ve spent so long on that metaphor should give you some idea of how insipid this game was. Rooney still hasn’t regained his pre-injury form and Darron Gibson can shoot, but basically nothing else.

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