Lates, greats & mistakes – 5 Things I noticed from the PL this weekend

1. Status Quo - With the season reaching squeaky bum time, Manchester United pulled out their party piece run-in trick of grinding out late goal wins in games they looked hardly capable of scoring in, gently applying some much needed oil to their behinds in the process (a metaphorical continuation I instantly feel cheaper for going with). Having started with the constantly impressive Javier Hernandez, whom Mark Lawrenson noticed “never ever, ever stops moving” like some kind of deadly transvestite shark, it was his replacement by the equally calculating dead eyed predatory instincts of Dimitar Berbatov that finally swung the pendulum United’s way (another metaphor I’ve never understood, as a pendulum’s constant, indecisive conclusionless motion is precisely what makes it a pendulum). A recklessly snap joint decision by Jonny Evans and Stuart Holden to try and scissor each other in mid-air might have ended the American’s season, and earned a red card and suspension for the former, reducing United’s injury hit squad to 2 natural defenders and a cardboard cut out of Owen Hargreaves for their trip to West Ham next week.

2. Keep on Runnin’ – Whilst United were revelling in the execution of their annual party trick, Arsenal were wallowing in the prospect of pulling off their yearly bottle job at the arse end of the season (a turn of phrase that paradoxically couldn’t be both less and more apt for them) before just about holding it together despite the latest effort to bolster their own in house comedy keeping howlers Christmas video. Manuel Almunia may not stand as statuesque as Wojciech Szczesny, being a full inch shorter, but did his best to stand as still as one during a “down your throat” Steven Reid header before his triangle button became inexplicably stuck and he raced pointlessly out of his goal, straight into Sebastien Squillaci and like some ghastly Benny Hill tribute sketch played by Sacha Baron Cohen playing Bruno playing Hill, gifted Odemwinge a tap in second. The Gunners displayed a deal of champion’s spirit to haul back level courtesy of an Arshavin goal and a Van Persie foul, but couldn’t find a winner. Apart from on their bench, where Jens Lehmann pyramided his fingers and cackled like a bond villain returning from an earlier presumed death intent on world domination. Mwa ha ha ha.

3. Luiz Luiz, Oh baby.. – At Stamford Bridge Chelsea suddenly realised they were back in the hunt for something or other and overcame Manchester City with even less help than usual from their £50m marquee signing Fernando Torres. The real star of transfer deadline day has emerged as David Luiz who’s taken to Premiership football like a duck to pancakes. The Brazilian now has 200% more goals for Chelsea than Torres and looks a nailed on cert to establish himself amongst the top defenders in the league. With the Da Silva twins over at Old Trafford also making strides, Brazil’s back line for their own World Cup in 2014 is threatening to look suspiciously like a bad Led Zeppelin tribute band. Or possibly some kind of ill planned Starsky and Hutch convention where everyone’s turned up as Starsky. It’s also ominously likely to bring back that tired old football cliché about how effortlessly better the Brazilians are at football than everyone else, a trope rather unhelpfully compounded when tough tackling defensive midfielder Ramires effortlessly slalomed his way through City’s defense to slot home a sambarific second. Why couldn’t Elton John have adopted a Brazilian baby?

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