Penalty taking is considered a test of ones nerve and resolve. Like a modern day version of pistols at dawn the battle to see who crumbles first is both exhilarating and fraught with tension. Second guessing where the goalkeeper is going to dive and trying to work out from his stance where his weaker side lies. It’s a mental test of endurance like no other and if you’re lucky enough to come out smiling the feeling of success is sensational.

Right, enough of the romance before this turns into a soppy set piece love story. For every perfect dead ball there is an absolute howler of side splitting proportion. For every exquisite spot kick there is blunder that leaves you cackling and gasping for air. As wonderful as it is to witness flawless set pieces in all their glory you really can’t whack a good old fashioned mishap.

Skying a free kick out of play, tamely tapping a penalty into the welcome grasp of a goalkeeper and missing the ball completely are just some of the hilarious clangers included in this list.

So please make sure your mouth is free of any liquids and your stomach muscles are worthy of withstanding intense laughter. We aren’t prepared to foot the bill for medical costs or laptop repair. But do enjoy this hysterical compilation of some out of the ordinary set pieces from around the world.

Click on Chris Waddle to take you to Top Ten Worst Set Pieces

The standard of football between the two divisions has improved vastly over the last several seasons and this season sees the quality of the Championship as good as it ever has been. In defence of these players, there is of course a higher standard of football despite the dip in margin. For example, strikers are up against better teams and while they might have got 10 chances per game in the Football League, they may only get the odd few in the Prem.

So what unfortunate ten make my top ten list of players who are Championship rather than Premier League quality? Find out below…

Click on Routledge below to see the Top TEN

Whether it be the fans discontent, friction amongst the ranks or just the inability to maintain a strong leadership, these such managers, who should have left with a legacy, left instead with their tails between their legs and their heads held low.

This wasn’t as easy as first thought but here are my Top 10 managers who remained in the hot seat for too long, a list Fergie will never find himself on.

Click on Rafa below to see the Top TEN

Listen to the first episode of our brand new podcast – The Football FanCast.

Featuring Razor Ruddock, Gary O’Reilly and Toploader’s Dan Hipgrave makes a special appearance!

This new deal has reduced the amount paid to Football League clubs from £88 million to £65 million. As part of this agreement, clubs relegated from the Premier League will now receive £48 million in parachute payments over four years instead of £16 million a year for two years as they received previously.

Looking back, the concerns of the lower league clubs at the time were understandable. Already this season we have witnessed the financial clout of the likes of Leicester City who have spent vast amounts of money in comparison to some of the smaller teams in the teams like Coventry and Watford, who both have financial problems.

The fact that a team relegated from the Premier League now receives £48 million while a team going in the opposite direction to League One will actually lose £3.7 million shows the sort of disparity that exists between the two leagues. This makes it extremely difficult for the relegated team to bounce straight back unless they actually have the financial aptitude as Norwich and Leicester showed. It will be even harder for the smaller teams to get back into the Championship but much easier for teams coming down to get out it.

The difference in central payments in the Championship and League One is already substantial. The television and solidarity payments that come into the football league are split 80 per cent Championship, 12 per cent League One and eight per cent League Two. Although the money the other two leagues receive has increased, it is nothing in comparison with that of the Championship.

Every year, we hear about clubs spending beyond their means to remain in or try to reach the promise land of the Premier League before seeing them go into financial trouble when this does not materialise. What is the Premier League doing to prevent this situation apart from giving them even more of an incentive to spend with the fall-back of parachute payments?

How long will it be until there are two separate tiers of English football, where promotion and relegation does not exist? We seem to be going more and more towards the American example of the franchise system where Television and money completely dominate the game.

It would seem that Premier League Two is not too far off.

This could lead to the death of the traditional English football clubs and the game outside of the top two divisions. The loyal fans would probably remain at these clubs but would the money still come in from the richer elite leagues? If this was divide was to take place, the long-term future of lower league football clubs outside the top two divisions would be very bleak indeed.

Follow me on twitter @aidanmccartney for more thoughts and views about the beautiful game.

To sum up the horrors I have seen, even David Beckham would struggle for sex appeal in these…oh who are we kidding? The guy would easily pull off Tiger stripes.

Click on Stade de Francais to see the worst 20 kits of our time

Left with no matches to report on, and out of ideas on how to re-spin Cesc Fabregas transfer news, they wrote instead on the horror of not being able to attend matches. Replete with a picture of him looking suitably disgusted, Henry Winter was FORCED to pay £25 to watch Nottingham Forest play, and the sporting world held its breath.

Winter and others (such as Sam Wallace at the Independent), argued that this was bad news for all fans of football. Winter argued that “newspapers, whether in print, online or via Twitter, keep fanning the flames of supporters’ interest in clubs.”

“On Sunday morning they will turn to their newspapers for a neutral’s verdict to find an absence of match reports.

“…the report is part of the match-day experience, fans’ reading up on the game, agreeing or disagreeing. I could spend an hour or more a day dealing with tweets, emails and letters sparked by a report of the previous night’s match.”

Sam Wallace said:

“But without us, and the other members of our dysfunctional press family, who is left? The answer is, the clubs’ own media. I have nothing against the website and TV personnel of our clubs, many of whom started life on our side of the fence and are very capable journalists. But are we sure the clubs are going to strive to give us the real, inside, uncomfortable story on their organisations?”

“…..I fear that my industry is getting elbowed out of the way by certain wealthy clubs who dislike not being in total control. I fear that some of these young men and women may end up in a ghastly PR-version of journalism where their questions are restricted.”

“…..I do not believe any football fan thinks that the clubs’ curtailing of press freedom is something to be celebrated.”

Thankfully a deal was struck just in time for the start of the Premier League, a brand that cannot be damaged at any time, or else the world would shift on its axis.

And this was good news for all concerned. Yes?

As already mentioned, when the ban kicked in it covered the Championship and below. But for fans of non-Premier league teams, the question is this? Was there a huge chasm in your life last weekend, a sense that something was missing, that you weren’t as up-to-date and educated with the goings-on of your football team? Or was it business as usual? Probably the latter.

When I was very young, before the days of Premiership football, live steaming, Super Sundays and message boards, I relied on newspaper match reports. Their words shaped much of how I thought about teams and players. Only when I became a regular attendee did I realised what drivel was being written.

Ok, not drivel – but I realised that people were seeing games very differently to how I was, and the match reports were nothing more than opinion pieces much of the time. Many a time you can watch a match with a friend and see things in a totally different way. Your man of the match is someone your friend thought was terrible. Even with 100 slow-mos and multiple angles you’ll still get wildly different opinions on whether an incident was a penalty, or a red card or a dive.

The most reliable of match reports was often the Football Pink, because it was a match report that simply reported what had happened, rather than trying to crowbar in a particular angle or agenda, and without some sub-editor’s misleading headline. On the downside, it did have a tendency to suddenly end after 67 minutes.

In the modern world of access-all-areas, how much do we need match reports? I never read them as one way or the other I will have seen the match, and so don’t need someone else to summarise it for me, but that’s just a personal choice. Sunday papers are known to sell better during the football season, so it seems their coverage is important to many. You may have seen a match, but when your new signing has scored a hat trick on his debut, you may want to read every match report possible. But if you support a small, lower-league club, there will be little of interest in  antional newspaper anyway.

But Winter’s theory that fans’ interests in their clubs is kept burning brightly by the press is laughable in the extreme. I, like millions of others, have supported my team for decades, and I managed to do it just fine without having to read newspapers to gee me up.

The problem journalists have is that their reputation is besmirched by the minority. Fans have become tired by lies, false rumours, sensationalizing of minor events, and perceived agendas and injustices. This used to be the style of the tabloids alone, but is is depressing how many broadsheet reporters have been reduced to spreading tittle-tattle and speculation. In the world of 24-hour news, there is not enough proper news to go around. When under 20% of transfer rumours turn out to be true, then it is hard to believe anything you read.

According to journalists, Wesley Sneijder has joined Manchester United five times, the first time being over a month ago. He has joined Manchester City twice. He has snubbed City twice too, United have ended their interest three times, terms have been agreed four times, and a fee agreed five times. Nasri signed for Manchester City three weeks ago, but then he was staying at Arsenal, this all coming after United had closed in on his signing, then he has since signed again four times, and the latest news is he will sign again once more later this week (for City).

Sam Wallace is probably right in saying the recent dispute is fuelled partly by the desire of clubs to have more control on the release of information, and more power in deciding what stays behind closed doors. The new tradition of players to tweet information will only have increased their paranoia. But the newspapers do not help themselves by writing critically of clubs – often it is deserved of course, but it is no surprise trust breaks down with clubs.

And journalists alone do not have access to breaking news. Twitter will break any story instantly, with or without journalists, and will spread malicious rumours in much the same way. The age of instant news has also put great doubt over the newspapers themselves. Exclusives are no longer the domain of the morning paper, as by then most people will already know the story. Add to this that agents and the truthful “in-the-knowers” can keep fans up to date with transfer stories, and that plenty of normal fans have an inside line to clubs, and what are reporters providing that’s unique? What’s more, quality bloggers like the Swiss Ramble have no constraints on space, and no deadlines.

Even Joey Barton, in a week of tweeting Nietzsche, the musings of Wittgenstein and calling Brian Woolnough a nugget, found time to say that the press won’t exist in ten years’ time. Wishful thinking on his behalf, but you can see the logic of his point.

What football journalists do have is contacts and access to areas we normal fans don’t (Old Trafford excepted). They get interviews with players and managers, get briefed on stories and get into press conferences. They have plenty of worth in what they can tell us. With experience comes relationships with those in the game, which bring sinsight and information that might not otherwise be known.
And many write excellently of course, such as Martin Samuel, Daniel Taylor or the financial investigations of David Conn. Quality football “writers” are plentiful (see also Jonathan Wilson). But this is more about the need for reporters rather than writers.

Times have changed, and the way news is reported has entered a new era that has made many old methods redundant. Newspapers have faced difficult times for decades, and the football journalists are no different, as they are no longer the sole bearers of news. Increasingly they know that times have changed, and have looked to branch out, be it appearing on radio shows, podcasts, or nibbling on a croissant on the Sunday Supplement panel. There will always be a role for sports reporting in newspapers in this country, but in future, it may well be less about exclusives and more about fulfilling a much broader media role. The competiiton for them is now huge, but they still have a vital role to play.

The majority of these players are plying their trade in the very competitive Championship which this season includes a number of big clubs and promises to be an exciting league this season. The better quality in England’s second tier promises to create more top class players that could soon try their luck in the Premier League. Below the Championship there is still plenty of potential in the League One and Two, though these future stars may take slightly longer to make their big break.

There is obviously no guarantee that players who impress below the Premier League can make it at the top but the Football League system is creating talents for the future that are being snapped up (just look at how Bayern Munich somehow ended up in Tranmere to buy Dale Jennings). With transfer fees rising beyond many smaller Premier League club’s reach, the lower leagues are proving to be a fantastic place to buy an exciting talent for a reasonably small fee. But who will follow Danny Graham, Chris Eagles, Anthony Pilkington and Connor Wickham out of the Football League and into the Premier League?

Click on Tom Cairney to see the 10 players that have Premier scouts sniffing

Goldstone Ground, 1976

At the weekend Brighton & Hove Albion ended a stressful and nomadic 14-year period without a home to call their own since leaving the Goldstone Ground in 1997. They officially opened their stadium at the Amex Stadium at Falmer by playing Tottenham Hotspur in a friendly in front of a packed house, who were treated to a 5-goal thriller. But what happened to their old ground, and the many others that clubs have left for pastures new over the past couple of decades? Well the answer is often rather predictable, and at the same time rather depressing. Goldstone Ground- Brighton, until 1997.

The ground was sold by the board, who were trying to clear the club’s mounting debts in an attempt to avoid bankruptcy, although no alternative football ground had been lined up, and without consulting the fans, who not surprisingly revolted strongly. It was sold to property developers and it has since been redeveloped as a retail park, where fans can reminisce over a Whopper with cheese.

Maine Road being demolished

Maine Road- Manchester City until 2003.

Highbuey being demolished

Highbury- Arsenal until 2006

Again we see a move to plusher surroundings (though Highbury was hardly a dump) as development and an increase in capacity was not really viable in their existing ground, especially considering the East Stand was a listed building. As of 2010, Arsenal Stadium was redeveloped and converted into flats in a project known as “Highbury Square”, a scheme that had 711 properties built on the site. The exteriors of the listed Art Deco East Stand and the matching West Stand were preserved and incorporated into the new developments, while the rest of the stands’ structures were removed, and the pitch became a communal garden. The famous clock found its way to the new stadium, whilst all the flats sold out rather quickly.

Plough Lane

Plough Lane- Wimbledon until 1991

I think you can guess by now what happened to this site, eventually. Following the publication of the post-Hillsborough Taylor Report in 1990, that led to all-seater stadia, Wimbledon’s board decided that Plough Lane could not be redeveloped to meet the new standards, and as a result a ground share at Selhurst Park with Crystal Palace was the result. Their last game was ironically against Palace, where 10,002 spectators saw them lose 3–0, before swarming onto the pitch to bid farewell to the ground. The ground continued to be used for reserve games for both clubs until 1998, when Sam Hammam sold the ground to Safeway. Local opposition prevented a supermarket though, and the site was sold on to a property developer, and flats were eventually built a few years ago. Following lobbying by Wimbledon supporters, the development agreed to adopt a Wimbledon Football Club theme, with the entire site named “Reynolds Gate” after former player Eddie Reynolds. The six individual blocks making up the development were named Bassett House, Batsford House, Cork House, Lawrie House, Reed House and Stannard House.

Burnden Park- Bolton until 1997

Another move to a modern stadium, but a sad move for the fans as ever, having served the team for 102 years. Like Plough Lane, the club’s board thought it too costly to convert the ground into an all-seater stadium, deciding a move was the better option. Burnden Park itself fell into disrepair, with demolition not taking place until two years after the last match had been played, but eventually redevelopment occurred, and it is now the site of a small retail park.

Ayresome Park

Ayresome Park- Middlesbrough until 1995

Opened in 1903, closed in 1995, demolished in 1997. Familiar themes resulted in a move to a new, shiny stadium (the largest built in England at the time since Maine Road 72 years earlier). In the middle of a residential area, and with the need to make the stadium all-seater, the board’s desire for a bigger capacity forced a move. The ground was used for training for a year, then demolished and eventually it became the site of…….a housing estate of course.

Roker Park – Sunderland until 1997 Home to Sunderland for a century, their last season ended in relegation, and Roker Park was used as….well you know the rest. The streets were named Promotion Close, Clockstand Close, Goalmouth Close, Midfield Drive, Turnstile Mews and Roker Park Close.

Statue outside housing estate.

The Baseball Ground- Derby until 1997

Useless fact: The Baseball Ground was once used for an international match: England beat Ireland 2-1 in a British Home Championship match on February 11, 1911.Named as it was because it was first used for baseball games, insufficient capacity did for this ground, and 18 months before their last game there, plans were announced of a move to a new stadium, Derby playing their last game in 1997. The ground was redeveloped into a theme park and animal sanctuary for pandas and lemmings – no not really, it was turned into a housing estate.

Above are just a few rather random examples. But elsewhere the themes continue around the country.

The Den, which Millwall left in 1993 is now houses and flats.

Reading’s Elm Park, last used in 1998, was another ground considered unsuitable for conversion to all seats, and is now of course a housing estate.

The Dell, home to Southampton until 2001 (it was situated in a dell, hence the name), opened in 1898, and is now a housing estate. Apartment blocks on the site bear the names of former Southampton players. A dell is a small wooded hollow by the way.

Hull’s Boothferry Park, opened in 1946, closed in 2002, was only demolished finally last year – there are no houses yet!

Wigan’s old ground however, Springfield Park now has many houses, and one road named after an old player. Their new stadium now has a stand named after the old ground, following a fan campaign.

Oxford United’s old ground, the Manor Ground has a unique use now – it is the site of a private hospital.

Leicester’s Filbert Street, closed in 2002, is accommodation for students, along Lineker Street.

Feethams

Darlington’s Feethams, closed in 2003, was demolished in 2006, and there are inevitable plans now for housing.

The same goes for Shrewsbury’s Gay Meadow, which closed in 2007, and for Colchester’s Layer Road site, which last saw football in 2008. The only link to its past will be a central grassed area. So after all that, credit to Chesterfield, who left Saltergate last year, but for the foreseeable future will allow use of the ground by the community.

Stoke’s Victoria Ground bucks the trend, remaining undeveloped 14 years after its last match in 1997. Prior to demolition it was thought to be the oldest operational league ground in the world.

Morecambe’s Christie Park is now the site of a supermarket. Rotherham’s ground should be used by the town’s rugby team. Coventry‘s Highfield Road site? Housing. And the list goes on and on……

Any plot of land in this country is a valuable commodity of course, so it is no surprise that many grounds have ended up being used for housing, in a country that does not have enough. For many sites, the only link to the past is in the naming of streets and buildings. The occasional statue perhaps, the odd emblem from the past, but mostly the grounds remain only in our memories, photos and stories. It is sad, but a sign of the times. The need for greater capacities whilst eradicating terracing has forced many clubs to move to new sites. It would have been easier to list the clubs that haven’t moved – they are a dying breed, and the numbers will only get smaller. And the trend seems to often be that the old grounds that nestled amongst the terraces of the working class will be replaced by endless out-of-town stadia. This is the price of progress.

Midfielder Robbie Brady put Hull ahead on 21 minutes when he cut inside from the left, hitting a right-footed strike into the corner.

Slovenia international Robert Koren doubled their advantage when he smashed home a second following a neat exchange of passes with Aaron McLean.

Jay Simpson completed the scoring in the second half when he beat substitute goalkeeper Brad Jones.

Elsewhere, Arsenal signing Gervinho struck a brace as they beat Cologne 2-1 in Germany.

Ivory Coast international Gervinho, starting his first match for the north London club, grabbed two goals before making an exit after half an hour with Arsene Wenger having seemingly seen enough of his new attacker.

After enjoying such domination, Arsenal offered a way back into the match for the hosts in bizarre fashion on the stroke of half time.

Young defender Carl Jenkinson swung wildly at the ball in an attempt to clear only to see it slice violently in the air and sail all of 20 yards to lob Wojciech Szczesny in the Arsenal goal.

Throughout the second half, the Germans pressed forward for the equaliser, and continuously exploited gaps behind the full-backs but a combination of last-ditch tackling, wasteful finishing and a couple of sublime stops from Szczesny denied the hosts a second goal.

Tottenham secured the first victory of their pre-season tour of South Africa with a 3-0 win against Orlando Pirates, as want-away midfielder Luka Modric was again named captain.

Rafael van der Vaart put Spurs ahead after half an hour and added a second eight minutes into the second half.

Gareth Bale’s superb cross was then converted by Jermain Defoe to make it 3-0 with four minutes remaining.

‘Aaaaaargh’

‘Back’: With the ball at your feet, your natural inclination will be to take it on a bending run, leaving floundering defenders in your wake, and riffling it into the top corner. Teammates with a clearer view of how the game’s developing may suggest a more pragmatic approach: a humbling shifting of momentum and a dreary rolled pass backwards. The even more hurtful suggestion of ‘back to keeper’ is usually followed up with the base covering caveat ‘if you need it’. The subtext: you do.

Celebrating: Strictly forbidden in the five a side arena. The psychology of this works on a similar basis to the idea that suggests people will think you have done more sexually if you talk about it less. This should not be a new experience for you, and the proper way to acknowledge a goal is to trudge back with your eyes downward, periodically raising your head to display your unsmiling face. Some squinting is permissible, but not so much that it becomes excessive.

Defending: Easier to feign than attacking, and such is the chaotic pace of the game, sticking a lethargic foot out as an opposition player approaches you may actually see you emerge with possession. No sliding tackles allowed, as if you were planning on one anyway.

Edge of the box: A starkly defined area of the court, players being forbidden from entering the box at the risk of conceding a penalty, or, judging by the desperate lengths some go to in order to avoid it, opening the gates of hell, letting loose the evil powers from within and becoming the subject of an oft regurgitated internet urban legend. Drawn as a semi circle, which means defenders have to make daintily curved runs around it, watching their steps like a shot putter and generally feeling a bit silly.

Five: The number of players meant to be on each side- a nice conceit but one usually thrown into turmoil when Spuggsy bring his little brother with him, and Jamie’s mates from last week show up again. Finding space becomes a problem, with angry 50-50 clashes breaking out all over the place, and that’s just queuing for a drink at the vending machine beforehand. The game itself is less a fast paced exercise in short passing and ball control, and more a mass of flailing limbs and sharp, elbowed points. Teammates tackle each other, strangers- referring to each other solely through generic terms like ‘mate’ and ‘bud’- find themselves paired up together in central defence. It’s as near an experience to playing for West Ham United you’re going to get for twenty five quid, a booking fee and a deposit. The fact that the game only lasts sixty minutes, and not ninety, means it’s the closest you’re going to get to storming out of Upton Park early too.

Goalkeeper: Outside of Nike’s Zoom T-7 indoor trainers, and a pair of ankle guards, the most desirable piece of equipment on the five a side court is a goalkeeper- you should probably be able to find a decent second hand one on Ebay and it’s certainly a worthwhile investment. Sans Goalkeeper, your team will be forced to operate a hectically organised rolling system, each member taking it in stroppy turns to mind nets, only freed from responsibility on the concession of a goal. Such a system is pervious to corruption, of course, and every goal will be greeted with dark suspicion and accusatory glances from team mates not altogether convinced that you aren’t in devious cahoots with the opposition to limit your time on the centre provided crash mats.

Head Height: A rule designed to encourage ball control and fast play, although usually pettily used to punish a player who deflects the ball somewhere above the knee area. One problem with the head height rule is nobody is ever sure which head to use as the benchmark height, nor what would happen should the player selected choose to perform a cunning handstand with an opposition striker bearing down on goal. Appealing for enforcement of the rule is generally regarded as bad form and should be left to your team’s captain. (I.E, the member of your team who remembered to book the court this week.)

Read more of Chris’ work at his blog Partially Deflated