Steve Claridge and Manish Bhasin haunt my dreams. Claridge dressed in black, nodding his perfectly round head like the Football League’s very own Slenderman. Manish, with his cold, dead eyes and those collars that don’t match the colour of his shirts.
These two man Saturday night television’s graveyard shift in the guise of the Football League Show. Claridge is held up as some sort of lower league demigod after playing for a whopping 20 teams while Manish, well Manish used to be on BBC Radio Leicester so, you know, they know shit.
But the problem is, they don’t. In fact they know naff all. Check out this extremely telling infographic from friend of Football FanCast and clearly a person with too much time on his hands, Tom Johnson…
Firstly, look into that man’s eyes and tell me they are not the portals to hell, but on a side note, just check out how much money he’d have lost you if you’d followed his betting tips last season.
I mean, I appreciate he can’t predict the future but still, you’d think a man that has clearly sold his soul for the type of footballing success you can only achieve at Weymouth would at least be right half the time.
And he’s not the only one. As the Premier League season kicked off, every pundit, ex-player and Jeff Stelling offered their opinions on what was going to happen.
Will Diego Costa fire Chelsea to the title? Just how big are Louis van Gaal’s balls? And will the BBC subtitles bloke finally manage to spell Adnan Januzaj? (I for one prefer Janet Jazz Jazz Jam.)
Well the simple answer is, no one knows. You don’t know, I don’t know and that lot certainly don’t know so why bother?
Let’s just sit back, throw money at ridiculous accumulators in the hope of winning enough money to leave our miserable lives behind and enjoy the ride.
Just don’t look Claridge in the eye.