If the yearly panto season of novelty charity matches have taught us anything, it’s that menfolk can never let go of the idea they could be professional footballers, no matter how successful they’ve been in other walks of life. There seem to be a never-ending slew of politicians, musicians, disgraced television presenters and former Eastenders actors unsure of their place in the world since they ended the Bill, more than willing to be annually celebrated in their delusion for our amusement. Of late the phenomena has even ensnared some notable Hollywood A-listers. Who can forget Woody Harrelson triumphantly slotting a penalty past Jamie Theakston with all the grace and poise of a drunk man trying to kick a pigeon, disproving once and for all that White Men Can’t Punt. Or imagine the sight of Sam Allardyce crying hearty tears of joy into his Bovril as Mike Myers hoofed a ball downfield with little or no aim or specific purpose.

But while the world of film is filled with cameos and misguided star vehicles for American sports stars, there remains a paltry selection of footballers who’ve crossed the hollowed line into film. You may remind me of the indomitable Goal film trilogy, and Alan Shearer’s immortal delivery of the classic line “you done with that son?” Or indeed that Vinnie Jones technically qualifies as a footballer, but I would laugh heartily in your face. The fact remains that the world’s most popular sport is still woefully represented in the realms of it’s most popular procrastinatory pass time.

And in that spirit, the noble elves at Football Fancast have bravely procrastinated like no other to help you pass the time, and imagine what a world of footballers in films would look like. And it’s a horrible, scary world of puns and bad photoshopping.

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