‘Ello. Tim Sherwood here. Ever wondered what it takes to be a top Premier League manager and 110% better than your competition? Well ‘ere I am to get ya started, so sit down, take a load off your plates of meat and let me ram clichés, banter and the secrets to the job right down your Gregory. Let’s ‘ave it!

All about the win ratio

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Don’t worry about facts or common sense, just brush off criticism with boastful nonsense. Look at me, I was bleedin’ awful in charge of that s*** Tottenham mob, but I rode it out by chatting ‘bout my win ratio. Cushty!

“I’ve got a 59 per cent win ratio in the Premier League and I think if I had started the season in charge we’d be in the Champions League.”

#Pashun

 

Tacktiks shmactics, football aint about heat maps or ‘false nines’, it’s all about real men running around like headless chickens and getting’ stuck in. Look at my Spurs team, we finished in sixth and got into the Europa League, which is like the Champions League but better cos you can get a cheeky thirsty Thursday in Prague. Bangin’.

Rock whatever garms you want

Sleeves don’t do Jack, that’s why I’ve made the prep boys’ thread of choice the ultimate in manager chic. F*** Pulis’ cap or Arsene’s bleedin’ sleeping bag, I know sartorial elegance, and it defo comes out of a catalogue that dropped through my front door.

Pashun again

 

When it’s all going wrong, nothing changes a game like showing what it means on the touchline. Sure substations can have an effect or changing the formation to a slightly different form of 4-4-2 might alter the play, but throwing your gilet down on the deck in a testosterone fuelled fit of madness does the trick better than all of the above. Laaaaaavly. It’s all about you 

At the end of the day, it’s all about me, I mean you, so don’t be afraid to take the limelight. Just look at when Ade scored that delish goal, I saluted and the cameras picked up the man that matters, the man that really scored that netbuster, the man who is changing football for the better.

B******* to making sense

It don’t ‘ave to make any sense. Just look at what I said about that Hugo Lauris… Loris, Illlloriz… meh, spelling don’t matter neither. “Are there any world class Gareth Bale-type players (in the Tottenham squad)? No, there are not.” A week later… “He is a top-drawer goalkeeper - a genuine world-class player”

It’s never your fault

"People will always judge on what I've come in and done.

"It's imperative to have a pre-season and bed your ideas in. And also I'm doing it with a lot of uncertainty around my future.

"If you have a supply teacher who comes into your school, sometimes they're not treated with the respect that a headmaster is."

The golden nugget when it comes to being Timmy S: Managerial Juggernaut – it’s some other s***’* fault! Now I’m off down the west end, I’m sure Aston Villa is a stop in zone six, right?

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