In perhaps the greatest twist of the summer transfer window yet, Liverpool have emerged as surprise suitors for AC Milan striker Mario Balotelli.
Super Mario is well-known in the Premier League, not only for his pivotal role in Manchester City’s 2012 title haul but also for his childish antics, dressing room bust-ups and overall hilarity. Not to mention the multitude of sensational goals he scores.
And we at Football FanCast think that the Reds’ decision to bring the £16million-rated striker back to the English top flight is a BRILLIANT idea. So brilliant in fact, we’ve come up with SIX reasons why.
You have to be pretty crazy to bite three separate footballers in the space of three years. In fact, you’re either a cannibal, a vampire, or you really don’t think biting people in front of worldwide audiences is that big a deal, which of course means you’re absolutely mad.
Yet, if Luis Suarez is Fred West on the nutbag scale, then Mario Balotelli is Charles Manson, aka, this guy:
What kind of lunatic, for example, fills an entire Panini sticker album with pictures of himself?!
— The Independent (@Independent) June 17, 2014
There is something sinister about a man possessing so many adhesive portraits of his own effigy. It makes you wonder where else he put them. Another slightly sinister instance – the Italian dancing to Biggie, reading Zlatan Ibrahimovich’s autobiography and ironing:
There is something very wrong here.
But of course, as we all know, this is just the tip of the Balotelli ice-berg. Some of his more famed nutbag exploits include setting off fireworks in his en suite toilet, visiting a woman’s prison for lols, shooting a gun on the roof of an Italian car park and attending an interview, whilst playing for Inter Milan, in an AC Milan jersey.
In fact, the Liverpool target has done so many ridiculous things that someone has made a countdown video of the top 50. Enjoy:
Or one of these worldies…
As much as Balotelli may go on to infuriate the Liverpool fans, opposition fans, his team-mates, his former team-mates, Brendan Rodgers, pundits, journalists, himself, his girlfriend, his agent and well, anyone alive, he’ll also leave them foaming at the mouth with goal-scoring euphoria.
Mario Balotelli is a five year-old boy, trapped inside the body of a 24 year-old, world-class striker.
— Ronke Lawal (@ronkelawal) August 21, 2014
— dr_Fred™♠♣..☺ (@Yuur_Highness) July 4, 2013
His famous muscle-flex celebration, for example, immediately lead to a plethora of online photoshopping:
I have never seen this Balotelli meme till today but this one is my favourite pic.twitter.com/oW3obUOu4q
— Black Panda (@LIAM_THE_PHELAN) June 15, 2014
This Balotelli Meme deserves an academy award. pic.twitter.com/K5xWRnfS
— Marvin EL Smull (@smull_EL) February 20, 2013
— Jonathan. (@CaliSurfDude) February 12, 2013
— Muslim Pakistani (@FayXaan) May 3, 2013
Whilst others have felt compelled to add to the myth of Balotelli’s uncontrollable sex drive:
— Will Lindquist (@willielindquist) July 16, 2013
— Bryan Joseph (@PornoVoorJou) January 27, 2013
Either way, expect the online Rolfcopter to reach Lolocaust proportions when the 24 year-old returns to the Premier League
The word banter is used far too liberally nowadays. According to the LMA, the term can be used to describe racist, sexist and homophobic texts, and I’m sure we’ve all come across the classic ‘Uni Lad’ who punches you in the face, force-feeds you several cans through a beer bong before shouting “HAHA, TOP BLOODY BANTER” in an Eton accent that will make your skin crawl.
But Mario Balotelli understands banter in the truest sense of the word. Celebrating a goal in the Manchester derby with a nonchalant celebration and personalised vest top? Top banter.
Producing potentially the most arrogantly attempted one-on-one in footballing history? Top Banter.
Posing for a selfie with two floppy-haired, suspiciously scouser-esque pitch invaders? Top Banter.
These two pitch invaders got an epic Balotelli selfie they will remember for the rest of their lives! pic.twitter.com/C96NrLkaEW
— Football Related (@FootballRelate) July 30, 2014
Mugging off Zlatan Ibrahimovic? Top, top banter.
— W (@Waddah__) August 30, 2013
Requesting a kiss from the queen of England, via Twitter? Outrageous banter. 101,982 on the Banterometer:
— NBC Sports Soccer (@NBCSportsSoccer) June 20, 2014
Putting his arm in Luis Suarez’s mouth and taking a selfie? Banter overload.
— Balotelligram (@Balotelligram) August 15, 2014
There was once a very dark time in Liverpool’s history where the players, fans and coaches became possessed by a moustache mind-demon who through his evil telekinesis convinced everyone on Merseyside to sport incredibly terrible facial hair.
Take former Reds captain Ian Rush for example, and his ‘elongated Hitler’ look:
Or big-old Brucey Grobbelaar:
— Hal Cohen (@hal_cohen) April 29, 2013
And of course, the Graeme Souness:
Well, as we all know, Super Mario Balotelli takes his name from this little guy, who also happens to sport rather questionable facial hair:
— Cherry L. (@ulasberitabola) August 17, 2014
Thus, don’t be too surprised if we see a revival of the Scouse lip-tickler in honour of the Italy international’s Anfield arrival. These lads are already ahead of the pack:
The Scousers have taken their seats ay ay ay ay ay! pic.twitter.com/GQ4tTwNHYJ
— Louis van Gaal (@DutchVanGaal) August 4, 2014
Hopefully however, the shell suits, curly perms and constant use of the word ‘ay’ are left back in the 1980s.