Here is a list of the ten greatest footballers that God ever managed to make. He was having a fantastic day by his standards because these guys are just so good. It is a list of by far the best players who’ve ever graced the completely unworthy Premier League. The turf should be sealed off after they’ve played and turned into a pilgrimage site. Or so they think.
In reality this is a list of the biggest egos in the Premier League. The ten players who cannot handle being substituted and storm down the tunnel in a fit of rage, the players who kick out in disgust at water bottles and throw their shirts to the ground really really angrily. These are the players who scream at their teammates when they don’t get the ball but would never dream of passing if they had a chance from 40 yards.
All these players genuinely believe they are the best, they believe that taking them off is a stupid mistake and leaving them on the bench is pure lunacy. They are God’s gift to the game and to their team and to ignore God you must be a fool. In fact you’re all fools anyway, you just can’t comprehend their talent.
Managerial authority means absolutely nothing, the idea that somebody would tell them how to play when they have already mastered all there is to know is laughable. ‘Leave it to me and we will win’ they think, ‘who is this old goat who thinks Jermaine Jenas can replace ME! He must be mad!’ Cue strop.
In football, whole squads can be described as egos, particularly the most expensive ones. The Chelsea and Manchester City managerial jobs in particular require masterful ‘mass-ego management skills’ but that is a story for another day. Today we’re going to focus on the individuals, just as these players would want. It’s all about me, me, me. So here are 10 of the best.