What’s big, inflated, expensive and comes round twice a year? For those of you that answered a Stewart Downing brace, you are in fact only half right. It is of course the opening of the transfer window and along with it comes all the yellow ticker bars, roving reporters and absolutely absurd rumours that come with it.

Indeed, if you thought the stress and pain that Christmas has heaped upon you for the last four weeks set you up for a period of respite, you would be dreadfully incorrect. Because the January transfer window doesn’t just bring with it a spot of cheeky speculation. Oh no.

It brings with it speculation, hyperbole and an overriding sense of disappointment  Where as once fans used to get mugged off by Teletext rumours, they’re now being had by 14-year-old kids playing ITK’s on Twitter. Throw in absurd player sightings, the horrendous inflation of fees and the migraine-inducing Sky Sports schtick that is the Deadline Day itself and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

Click on the burning shirt below and get ready for the TEN things we can expect to see in the transfer window

Want to share your hate for all things January? Join me on Twitter and tell me what really winds you up: @samuel_antrobus