The summer transfer window has only been officially open for business Since Wednesday, yet already there are a handful of plotlines that threaten to drag on longer than a Lost box-set. They dominate the back pages, initially intriguing us with their will-they-won’t-they twists and turns.

Eventually though it all starts to get a little bit repetitive and we slip into an ennui-induced coma oblivious to yet another ITK claiming this is definitely the week he will sign. Definitely.

Well enough is enough. Until these five scribble their signatures on a dotted line they will forever be consigned to a background fuzz, mild tinnitus ignored for other more exciting swoops that might actually happen before the next millennium.

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Christian Benteke to Liverpool

According to several reputable outlets the Villa hitman is finally on the verge of securing his dream move to fellow mid-table strugglers Liverpool. The deal is all-but-sealed for a striker who can be anonymous or unplayable depending on his mood that day, and the anticipation is reaching fever pitch.

Well, no it’s not actually. That’s because this drawn-out saga has long reduced all and sundry to a catatonic state of disinterest, including Reds who initially rallied against the possibility of signing a player they deem beneath them.

Raheem Sterling to Manchester City

Last season’s runners-up have been pursuing the 'hippy crack' brat since the get-go with an opening bid of £30m returned to the Etihad with a row of laughing emoji beneath the figure crossed out in red ink.

The prospect of Edin Dzeko being used as a makeweight briefly complicated further an already protracted chase but now it seems the Anfield hierarchy want straight cash – and lots of it – or no deal.

The tedious soap opera is reminiscent of Arsenal’s hunt for Luis Suarez in 2013 except Liverpool’s hardball approach this time is significantly undone by Sterling’s unpopularity with the fanbase and desire to leave.

David De Gea to Real Madrid

Spanish football expert Guillem Balague recently told me this is as done a deal as any around with Real "insisting" on the talented stopper. Throw the apparent want of the player’s agent, Jorge Mendes, into the mix and Manchester United will have an extremely hard time fighting the inevitable.

So what is holding up proceedings? Madrid changing their coach obviously didn’t help and United understandably want to nail down a replacement before relinquishing, arguably, the best young 'keeper in the world.

We can see this one going the distance, which is a depressing thought considering it has already run its course with all neutrals' interest.

Yevhen Konoplyanka to Stoke City

At last a transfer bore-athon that appears to have fizzled out.

The Potters’ ambitious and lengthy wooing of the Ukrainian winger – that presumably consisted of a tour around a derelict ceramic works and informing him that Slash was born in the area – looks to have been bettered by Sevilla’s offer to, well, play for Sevilla instead.

Kudos to Stoke then for straightening their tie and switching attention to Xherdan Shaqiri who is a far superior player to Konoplyanka in every conceivable way.

Sergio Ramos to Manchester United

According to ex-Real Madrid president Ramon Calderon the 128-cap Spanish international will only consider leaving Los Blancos for United. And that’s got absolutely nothing to do with the reputed post-tax £39m contract being waved in front of the seasoned defender.

When you consider the, likely, enormous fee necessary to prise away the Real legend, however, then his age, 29, becomes a factor. No matter how good Ramos is – and it almost goes without saying that he is very, very good – a vast fortune spent on someone who turns thirty next spring seems extravagant especially when there is better value in the market elsewhere.

This is all by the by anyway because here’s a newsflash…

He. Is. Not. Heading. To. Old. Trafford.

Which makes this extended saga akin to reading War and Peace knowing the last few chapters are missing.