Football FanCast columnist ‘The New Voice of Football’ wonders if Flavio Briatore’s acceptance speech
will go somewhere along the lines of this.
quiet in the south annexe of Soho Square on Sunday night as the top-gong
available to Football League chairman, was due to be announced. There was
plenty of anticipation this year as it was expected to be a close run affair. A
slightly balding, dishevelled looking man in a cheap tuxedo took to the stage
and cleared his throat.
there have been a few outstanding candidates for Idiot-Chairman of the Season
this year,” he started.
Rupert Lowe, who was indeed favourite before pulling out of the running by
Ashley at Newcastle being amongst the front-runners this campaign after turning
the Premier League club into ‘Toon Town’,” (Ashley
grinned, the only attendee choosing to wear a replica kit instead of the stated
black tie on the invite)
Gibson at Middlesbrough for his continued blind backing of three-legged horse,
Gareth Southgate, also worth a mention. (Gareth
looked on in his own special gormless way, pondering whether he might have been
better off taking his coaching badges earlier, rather than listening to mentor,
Steve McClaren, Gibson safely tucked up in his breast pocket)
many others around England, you know who you are.
you don’t have to be Premier League to win this trophy and just as well,
because the winner this season. Will not get within a golden mile of the holy
grail the way he has run his football club since taking charge of it 18-months
stand up Queens Park Rangers chairman Mr Flavio Briatore. You are the Idiot-Chairman
of the Season.
from the over polished teeth of the Italian pierced through his perma-tanned
skin as he got up, leaving his ‘Wonderbra
Wife’ Elisabetta to fend for herself under the lecherous glances of Daniel
Levy and Nick Owen at their table.
strode forward to the stage, with a purpose similar to the one that is intent
on continuing to toy with the West London club. His stride punctured by the
balding man announcing a fringe benefit of receiving this highest of accolades:
“Which automatically enters you into Idiot-Chairman of the Decade, where you
get to compete with past winners, Ken Bates and Peter Risdale.”
to be no talk of past chairmen’s exploits though, for this was Flavio’s moment
as he took the award in one hand and the microphone in the other.
first of all like to thank…………absolutely nobody. I won this award all on my
own,” Briatore declared.
the QPR players, or indeed any of the four, five, six, who cares how many managers
I have fired in my short tenure, contributed in any way, shape or form to me
collecting, what is rightfully, mine.
then turned his gaze in the direction of the Magpies chairman: “Mike, I thought
you had me beat, when you started to prostitute your club around the
Middle-East. So shortly after the masterstroke of forcing one of the city’s own
to leave town.
then that I decided to revert to what I truly knew from Formula 1 and started
picking the team. It seemed only natural after picking two drivers for two cars
for years. How much harder could it be for someone as special as me?
I knew deep down that if I was to ever recreate the scenes at St James’ Park
last September. I would have to alienate the fans in more ways than merely
interfering, with what some of them are under the illusion of, that it’s their
team. It’s mine I bought it and I pick it.
little help from my friends Bernie and Lakshmi, I have made QPR the second
richest club in the world, but I made the fans pay for the new powder-room,
complete with shiny mirrored surfaces that was installed in the new C-Club, for
my wife and her friends.
raise the prices of everything, offer nothing in return and under no
circumstances invest any of my fortune in the team. These are simple
principles, but I’m not completely heartless, I did put the season-ticket
holders names on their seats and get a couple of unheard of Carlos-kick-a-balls
in on loan.
needed more than that though to unite me with this tremendous award, my first
in football. As I truly believed Ashley would walk it as he continues to steer
Newcastle towards the Championship. Indeed it is a blessing this award is given
now and not at the end of the season. For like anyone of my true greatness I
timed it just right.
needed new idiotic measures for a chairman of a team with vague hopes of the
play-offs, but who wants them to stay stationary. Good players must not play,
better still I thought rather than just not play my top-scorer. I would simply
give him to one of our rivals until the end of the season.
you for the advice that fans do not take kindly to their best players leaving
Daniel. It has served me well.
addition to Elisabetta and myself picking the team based on their arses, for
mine has gone a bit south, and legs. Has I hope, ensured no chance of promotion
and subsequently no need for me to put my hand in my pocket.
QPR is just entertainment for my friends and I, most of whom couldn’t care less
about football and are happy that they won’t have to meet me in Shepherds Bush
for the time being. Now that F1 is back you won’t see much of me at Loftus Road
watch any fans protests from afar. Should they dare to question the decision to
sack the minion that had the audacity to stand against the son of God.
continue to feed my huge ego off this club I promised so much to, while working
tirelessly on new ways to make it stand still. If I can achieve that then,
maybe, just maybe I can emulate the legend Peter Risdale and defend this great
trophy next year…………….thank you”
was a muffled round of applause from his peers as Briotore left the stage and
headed for the door and then his private jet, award in one hand, Elisabetta in
the other, who was probably going to give Flavio his second reward of the
night. One we all might want.