Sheffield Wednesday – Songs For Whoever…

Let’s get straight into this, I’ve spent the better part of the last year going to South African football games where the vuvuzela reigns supreme and the vocal chords of football fans are left chronically unused unless it’s to let a player know that he’s buggered up.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I, unlike most Europeans, quite like the vuvuzela in football games. It gives them a very African flavour and, when used rhythmically, actually can sound frikkin’ cool. However, lets be honest here, there aren’t many better sounds on this earth than thousands of people singing, in unison, a ridiculous football song about one of their own players.

The older Wednesdayites will remember Roland Nilsson, our long-haired Swede, who by many, is considered one of the best players to pull on the blue and white stripes.

So, how do we show our admiration for our legend? By getting a bunch of tone-deaf fans to sing about him, obviously. Owls supporters will surely have heard the Kop sing, “Number one, is Roland Nilsson, number two, is Roland Nilsson, Number three, is Roland Nilsson, and number four, is Roland Nilsson…”, you get the picture. After the obligatory, “ And number nine, is David Hirst,” numbers ten and eleven obviously revert back to Roland. Naturally.

Our songs aren’t always so flattering, even for our own players. We’ve sung about having Carlton Palmer, who we said smoked marijuana. Leon Clarke, a former striker, would regularly hear the fans, jokingly of course, refer to him as a lookalike to Katie Price’s baby, Harvey. He loves his chips and gravy.

Anyway, as Wednesdayites we aren’t selfish. It’s not just our own players we get songs for. I mean, we did one for West Ham. Remember this effort? “Tevez, is a Wednesdayite!” I think it was made up about the same time that he helped relegate United. I’m not sure…

More recently the songs have really started to tickle my funny bone, some however, are just pure musical genius. Take these examples:

This one, to the tune of the classic, Volare, is a good one, “Llera, woah, Llera, woah. He wears a black head guard, he scores from 30 yards, Llera, woah.”

Then, a personal favourite of mine, taking inspiration from Magic, a song made famous by Happy Gilmore, is, “Ho, ho, ho, he’s magic. You know. You’ll never get past Semedo.”

A number that our newly appointed number 9, last year’s top scorer, Gary Madine, will surely have a little snigger at is, “He’s blue, he’s white, he’ll set your car alight.” This one’s a reference to a run in with the law that he had when he was arrested, and then cleared, in an arson case. Recently I heard tinkles of a new one too, something along the lines of, “Gary Madine, superstar, he’ll score a hat-trick, then torch your car.”

Finally, one for the more adult readers, kids, if you don’t get this one, don’t worry about it. “You’ll never lick the Beevers.”

So, now to the point of my article. With a host of new guys due to pull on the famous blue and white stripes this season, what I’m wondering is, what song choices do we have for the new blood? Also, I remember days when there was a song for every player, when the Kop would churn out tune after tune about each one. We need that back, even if it’s just for my imagination.

I’m going to take a bash at things here. My efforts may be abysmal, but hey, I’m no Paul Heaton, John McClure or Alex Turner. Anyway.

For Anthony Gardner, to the tune of Lord of the Dance. “Gardner, wherever you may be, you made a good move leaving Hull City. Now you’re here, you wear the blue and white, making attackers all look shite.”

What about Kieran Lee? It would seem wasteful not to mention the fact that a namesake of his is a famous ‘erotic actor’, so what about? “He’s blue, he’s white, he makes porn films late at night, Kieran Lee, Kieran Lee.”

I’m clutching at straws here, honestly, my head wants to go way more crude, but I think my granddad might read this at some point.

Now, on to our very latest signing, Diogo Amado. We’ll all agree, this name is song gold dust, however, until we’ve seen him play we can’t say much. Hopefully he, and the others, will give us something to sing about in the future.

Anyway, from what I have seen, Amado rates himself a little in the looks department and has a fair barnet on him. So, how about this one, to the tune of Amore. “With the ball at his feet, his hair all nice and neat, it’s Amado.”

Speaking of the Portuguese, I hear we’re on the verge of signing another one, Paulo Regula, a talented 23-year-old. If that comes through then we’ll have a full Portuguese trio, so, purely because I have an uncontrollable hatred for their countryman, a certain Real Madrid cretin, how about this? “Who needs Ronaldo, we’re buying his home!”

I was right, these are pretty poor efforts. The thing is, I just missed the sound of singing voices and this helped my imagination and brought back some great memories. I’m a writer, not a lyricist, and I know that there will be some of you out there with some top ideas. You should totally let me know if you’ve got some, I’ll sing them on the terraces at Cape Town Stadium, think I may get an odd look or two though…

P.S. I’ve told my folks they need to send me the new shirt, however, I’m stuck for a name on the back. It’s either Waddle 8, or Nilsson 2. Help?

Can We Kick It? @YesWeCrann