Mock the Week: Wobbling Chelsea, Man City’s wrong moment and much more

So Conte thinks Spurs are the best team in the Premier League, does he? Wily old Antonio, cleverly trying to distract us all from the fact Chelsea are wobbling.

Things have suddenly got a little interesting with that gap at the top shrinking to a mere four points. Harry Kane reckons beating them in the Cup will give Spurs something called a psychological edge. I’m sorry but, the thought of Tottenham having the mental strength to do anything psychological still gives me the schoolgirl giggles.

It was a bit of a shock at Old Trafford. No, not just the fact that Chelsea lost but the fact United managed to win a game at home. It turned out United were decent without Zlatan and Chelsea fell apart without Alonso. Who would have thought it would be that way around?

Spurs are showing no signs of letting up yet. Of course, they will run it a little closer before collapsing and finishing third. Poch is still bitter at “the world trying to kill Spurs” after they managed to finish third in a two-horse race last season. No Poch, we didn’t try to kill you. But, we have been here quite a few times with Spurs over the years and still continue to be amazed at the new ways conjured up of being complete bottle jobs.

I am still trying to mathematically work out how Arsenal are going to finish above Spurs, though. Admittedly, it would appear that ship has sailed. Even Dembele scored with his right peg at the weekend, which suggest all is rosy in the White Hart Lane garden. This title chase is doing wonders for avoiding all that “only ten matches left at WHL” rubbish that West Ham subjected us to last season.

Ross Barkley probably didn’t make The S*n’s Team of the Weekend. Fair play to the lad for making his response to that racist poison on the pitch. Everton have joined Liverpool in banning that rag from having anything to do with them, finally, and followed it up with a 3-1 win over Burnley. They are 6th now. Sixth! That’s going on Koeman’s CV for the summer move to wherever he can get a job.

City cruised past a Southampton side mentally anywhere but in the Premier League currently. Vincent Kompany scored, which surprised me for two reasons. Firstly, I presumed he was still injured because, well, he is always injured and secondly, the goal was scored in the second half which meant by default he had managed 45 minutes of football without going off injured. Well done, Vincent.

He let himself down after the game though, saying City were playing well at a crucial moment. Er, no Vinny, no. A crucial moment would have been earlier in the season when you couldn’t buy a win in Primark. You remember, the spell of form that banjaxed your title bid? Another crucial moment might have been against Monaco. Beating Southampton, who have barely turned up since Wembley, does not count as playing well at a crucial moment when even Liverpool are above you in the table.

Speaking of Liverpool, how many people had a little bet on West Brom scoring from a set-piece? Typical coupon buster that one. Incredibly, the Reds kept a clean sheet and managed to score. That’s a huge win and keeps them very much in the Champions League driving seat.

Leicester were strolling around at 2-0 before someone reminded them they were playing in a Champions League quarter-final second leg in a few days time. Understandably they immediately downed tools and went for a mid-afternoon siesta to get into the Madrid mindset. Palace realised this and managed to sneak a 2-2 draw, which saw Big Sam chewing gum like it has never been chewed before.

We will miss Crouchy when he’s gone, and the big man headed yet another goal. We saw a brief glimpse of the Stoke-a-lona cliche as Shakira reminded her husband Pique that she can score from distance, too.

David Moyes finds a new way to make me pick on him every week, and after a whole season of it I have to applaud him for keeping it original. When the fans are slating you for taking their club down, David, might I suggest you don’t remind them that you have the 3rd or 4th best win percentage in the Premier League? They don’t give a rats how good you were at Everton. They are slightly more concerned that you are absolute tosh today. Lee Cattermole has never struck me as the brightest of players, so his assertion that the point against West Ham gives the side hope kind of makes sense to me.

Paul Clement must be bricking it now. He’s already shown the world he isn’t cut out for managing in the Championship and that looks like exactly where he will be managing for at least the first ten games next season, before Swansea set him free to be reunited, yet again, with Carlo.

So that was the weekend, and before we go, let’s all join hands and remember that, at the time of writing, Arsenal sit 7th in the Premier League. Good work Arsene, you sign that new deal big guy.