After spanking Spain, fluking their way past brave little Australia and grinding out a win over Chile, Louis Van Gaal’s Netherlands have topped their difficult group and have a favourable knockout draw.But, WOB understands, football fans everywhere already fear a relapse into clinical depression.
“Last season was the best season of football ever for non-glory hunters,” said excitable office-based footy fan Tom Love, “Manchester United went from being a cruel trophy-hoovering machine to a national joke, the title race went to the last weekend and the Big Two in Spain lost La Liga to a team managed by an Irish publican. Bryan Munich blew it big time in Europe, and billionaires Paris St Germain couldn’t even beat the dullest Chelsea team in years.”
But with Louis Van Gaal transforming the usually truculent Dutch squad into a harmonious attacking unit, fears that he might actually sort out the shambles at Old Trafford are spreading. “Oh God, I couldn’t bear watching those smug twats winning everything again. I live and work in Surrey and my colleagues are insufferable,” wailed Love, “And the Dutch only played well once, yet won all three, Fergie-style. Then again, he’s still stuck with Rooney isn’t he. And Welbeck. And Young, Smalling and Jones.”
The Dutch are expected to start arguing about their breakfasts at some point during the third week of Brazil 2014, before splitting into two ideological factions opposing Van Gaal’s policies from diametrically opposed viewpoints and getting turned over by Colombia or Mexico or someone.