Mug Punter Morris
looks ahead to a weekend of Premier
League action and where his smart money will be going.
As my granny once so eloquently put it to me ''put your money where your mouth is you two
bob slag merchant.'' An angry response directed at me due to looking down
her lottery picks and saying ''just don't
see 'em coming in gran.'' I personally reasoned this to be a fair enough
assumption on my part, even went as far to explain the rough odds of 14 million
to 1 through the means of multiplication. She took this as a personal insult,
like I was saying the specific numbers she had chosen were poor choices…''no gran not your actual numbers, and I'm not
saying I could do any better, any combination of 6 is around 14 million to 1 to
come in. Ok forget it, forget it…want a drop of cyanide in your tea?''
Her response being, ''It's a bit early in
the morning for drinking.'' Christ almighty…why bother.
In all honesty a tale you probably don't need to know just
for me to state you've got to be in it to win it. So instead of me telling you
each week after the event how my selections have brought me one step closer to
the poor house, I'm going to tell you what I'm backing before I go in. So this
way you the reader will now have a great opportunity to laugh at me before the
games take place, and more than likely afterwards as well, thus making you feel
like a king and me your underpaid, overworked, skittle juggling, unicycling
jester. Due to my masochistic nature everyone's a winner.
Looking at the forthcoming fixture list for Saturday's
Premier League games I am sickened. Only four games on. Four. Worse than this
four different kick off times. Saturdays a day for sitting around in the pub
watching the football, with a 90's style teletext mix ting' going on to check
on the progression of other games. Seems pointless when there's only one 3pm kick
off. Bloody Tony Blair has ruined this country!
Ok you may say why not just mix up Saturday and Sundays
fixtures in an accumulator. Oh how little you know me. Saturday is the betting
day of the week, Sunday is reserved for trying to get back the money I lost on the
Saturday. If the main content of my bets are on Sunday then I'm gonna have to
steam into Newcastle v West Brom next Tuesday to get back my losses from Sunday,
and, and…..breathe morris, breathe! Yes that's right it's ridiculous, and
this should be nothing other than a fantastic incentive for you to dismiss the
tips I throw out (''tips I throw out'' being
the least informative definition of a sentence since ''a pretty laid back, chilled out Mongolian'' was used to describe Genghis
Anyway back to the betting. Due to the limited options
available on Saturday I'm going with a small bet on a draw double with Sunderland
v Newcastle as well as West Brom and Hull City where you should pick up a fair
price of 10/1 from most bookies.
Another bet that is also worth considering is a win double on both Manchester
United and Blackburn, although you may need to double up your stake as the odds
will be a lot shorter here.
If my fantastic scheme doesn't come off (already thinking about chasing before I've
struck my first bet) then I'm going to put a few quid on Bolton, Arsenal
and Portsmouth at odds of around 10/1
in an attempt to claw back some money
I know these are quite obvious choices, and none of them are
certainties by any means, and there are more than likely better bets out there,
but I am a mug punter by nature and am nothing but honest when giving a tip.
I'm not like a number of tabloids who name a ludicrous amount of teams to win,
at ridiculously poor odds, that never come in I might add, and then the
following week don't even offer an apology for leading the average punter
astray. Even worse than this more often than not the following week they tell
you how they tipped up a 20/1 accumulator, which is made up of the 5 or 6
winning teams from the list of 15 to 20 odd selections you were given with the
rest of teams losing. A bunch of clowns turned down by Zippo's circus for
making the other clowns feel insecure!
I am a mug punter, but an honest mug punter, and I implore
you to not join me on my road to ruin. But, and it's a big but that even
Vannesa Feltz was heard to say 'goddamn that's a big but', but if they win…I
told you they would!