As storm clouds gather once more over bonkers buck toothed bad boy Luis Suarez, the Liverpool lunatic claims that his latest nibble at an opponent during the crucial Uruguay-Italy clash was due to his HEALTHY APPETITE.
“It’s the delicious aroma of fresh fruit and vegetables, strong herbs and cold pressed single estate olive oil that drives me mad. When Giorgio Chiellini passed by me smelling sweeter than a vineyard in harvest time, I just couldn’t resist biting him,” confessed the cannibal centre forward.
“I’ve bitten Dutchmen and I’ve bitten Serbs, but the sweet taste of Italian shoulder is the one for me,” he continued, “And with the proven health-giving properties of the excellent fresh ingredients that make up the traditional Mediterranean diet, I can go on biting the opposition for decades and decades. If I don’t get banned for life.”
“Uruguay has always been known for innovative cheating and Suarez is merely continuing the tradition,” said actual football expert Tim Vickery, before giving up on his ham and cheese baguette.