Happy Birthday DaMarcus Beasley: The greatest ever on-pitch Urinations and Defications

Today, Houston Dynamo star DaMarcus Beasley turns 34. So what better way to celebrate the former Rangers winger’s birthday than looking back at his most infamous moment on a football pitch? Well, not quite the football pitch actually – the subs bench. Indeed, during a World Cup Round of 16 clash in 2002, the USA international just couldn’t control himself and more crucially his bladder, deciding to relieve himself right there and then, next to the dugout. Could he have gone back into the changing room just a hundred yards or so away? Probably. But footballers have never been the smartest bunch.

For the uncensored version take a look for yourself here, but be warned you’ll not only get a close-up of Beasley’s yellow-glowing stream, but also his pecker. Those of you in a more Safe-For-Work scenario, feel free to relive the moment below.

But what about those who went one step further than Beasley, actually relieving themselves on the pitch? FootballFanCast takes a look at the greatest (if that’s the appropriate word) on-pitch urinations and defications, starting with an absolute classic…

Gary Lineker

Gary Lineker was England’s great hope at Italia 1990, but the pressure seemingly got to him. In a bitter home nations (sort of) derby against Republic of Ireland, Lineker uncharacteristically slid for the ball, only to realise he’d relaxed himself a little too much when doing so. Something brown and gooey slid out with the same trepidation as his own attempted slide tackle, leaving a shocked Lineker to rub his bum along the wet pitch like a dog in summer hoping to somehow wash away his own excrement. Bravely, the Match of the Day pundit picked himself up and carried on, but he hasn’t lived the incident down since. Even his wife’s ripped into him for it…

Fabien Barthez

Fabien Barthez was an unusual kind of goalkeeper. The kind who’d smoke cigars at half-time, who’d spend twenty minutes pulling off world-class saves before passing the ball to an onrushing Thierry Henry, who’d try to dribble his way past so many defenders Sir Alex Ferguson eventually gave up and started using him as a super-sub striker. All of those things genuinely happened and unfortunately, so did this. As casually as if he were picking up a pint of milk off the door-step or walking to the shops to buy the morning paper, Barthez – at this time playing for Monaco in a European cup match – waited for the action to go up to the other end of the pitch, whacked it out and urinated at the edge of his own penalty box. Je ne sais quoi.

Paul Gothard

Essex-born journeyman goalkeeper Paul Gothard isn’t exactly a household name. His career started at Colchester United but quickly spiralled downwards into non-league, representing the likes of Chelmsford, Grays Athletic, Billericay, Thurrock and Hayes and Yeading.

But after a short stint away from the game, the veteran glovesman re-emerged with Aukland City in Australia in 2009, going on to take part in technically the most prestigious club competition going – the Club World Cup. That was the scene of Gothard’s most notorious hour, one as bemusing as it is shocking.

Whereas Lineker inadvertently browned himself and Barthez at least had the balls (quite literally) to put himself on display, Gothard knelt down and urinated through his shorts, completely soaking the groin region, before getting up again and acting as if nothing had happened, keeping a serial-killer glean in his eye the whole time. Quite disgusting and also slightly disturbing, he did the kit man no favours.

The bird that pooed in Ashley Young’s mouth

Ashley Young continues to deny it ever happened, which quite frankly begs for some kind of close-up video analysis of the JFK-back-and-to-the-left variety.

At first, it was a perfectly ordinary Premier League game between Manchester United and Swansea City, but then the magical moment happened – a once-in-a-lifetime shot – unfortunately for Young, not the kind you’d want in the middle of a football game. Barking orders at his team-mates, Young’s mouth lingered open just long enough for an overflying bird to fire a great lump of white turd straight into it.

Disgusting enough on it’s own, but what makes this saga truly gut-wrenching is that Young didn’t even notice; he seemingly swallows it down without realising.

“I can, 100%, absolutely confirm it was not bird poo. But I’d love to know who put that video out and how they did it. Or what my reaction might have been if it actually was.”

Sorry Ashley, we’re not buying it. You ate bird poo in the middle of a football game.