It seems like every other day that a live football game graces our screens and we are treated to the valuable insights and whimsical ramblings of our esteemed football commentators. On occasion, some of their more bizarre utterances can be disorienting for the uninitiated, so for those left wanting for an explanation of the mind of these beautiful people, here is a plausibly competent look at some of the more confusing sayings in their vocabulary.
“He couldn’t have hit it any better” – This is usually said when a player hits the woodwork, or if the keeper pulls off a dramatic diving save. It’s wrong of course, especially in the case of post or bar hitting because yes, yes he quite clearly could have hit better. Even the most rudimentary of calculations would conclude that any method of actually scoring would fall under the definition of “hitting it better”. In fact even the commentators themselves know this as sometimes they may even declare…
“He’s almost hit it too well” – Which of course he hasn’t, because he’s hit it straight at the keeper. Like 110%, this is also completely impossible.
“He could have had a hat-trick today” – This is often said when a player misses 3 or more goal scoring opportunities. The implication is obvious but displays a glaring lack of understanding of relative cause and effect. In short, no he couldn’t have.
“Away goals count double” – This one is a constant bugbear of sensible people as it leads to far too much needless confusion amongst idiots. No they don’t count double, not even when the scores are level. That would be ridiculous and incredibly hard to keep up with. They’re just a novel way to decide tied matches.
“On his day he’s as good as anyone” – This is just a nice way of saying he’s an incredibly inconsistent player who often isn’t very good.
“If that was on target it’s in, cos the keeper was never getting there” – This of course depends wildly on whereabouts on the target it would have gone in the fertile imagination of the commentator, and a completely pointless observation anyway. Basically, it would have gone in if it had gone in the place he wanted it to go in, which it didn’t.
“It’s a real six pointer” – This is used when two teams near each other in the table meet. No more than 3 points are ever, and have ever been at stake for such matches. Or indeed, any matches.
“It’s early doors here” – This simply means it’s early here. I’ve no idea where the doors come in, or why they would even need to. I’ve never encountered an early door in my life. I’d like to though, if only to see what it was.
“He’s made a meal of it” – This means a player has made a challenge look more painful or dangerous than it actually was. What kind of meal he may have made of it is up for debate A particularly extravagant dive could equate to a seafood platter for example, whilst a prolonged feigning of injury is clearly a Tandoori Chicken with Basmati rice.
“Back of the net” – The actual back of the net is behind the goal facing the fans. You’d have to be incredibly rubbish to actually hit it and It would probably require the willing (or unwilling) participation of the stewards. It doesn’t really have a “Roof” either, but apparently you can score “into it” somehow.
“Great cross but no on was in there” – This means the player hit a hopeful inaccurate cross into the box that wasn’t aimed at anybody. This would generally be seen as an appalling cross.
“Hoping to get something out of the game” – Which basically means, they’re playing for a draw. This can also be used as “We’re hoping for a result” which is a standard pre-requisite of any football match anyway.
There are countless more which currently escape me, but if you – the reader – can think of any, please feel free to mention them. I’ll then edit them into this article and pretend I thought of it in the first place.