Man Utd 1-2 Chelsea – In the super Saturday 3D extravaganza at Old Trafford, Manchester United were the only thing lacking that extra dimension as their star striker Wayne Rooney spent the afternoon sneakily trying to avoid being video’d drinking a pint. Such is the value of Rooney that United seemed to be treating him like a prize Wagu cow, keeping him enclosed in his own protective plastic room and feeding him on beer – though whether he was being massaged by Japanese farmers out of shot is still inconclusive. On the field United certainly could’ve used some Dutch courage as Chelsea spent the first half in almost complete control, taking a deserved lead through the ingenuity of Joe Cole. In the second half the home side raised themselves to the same level of domination that Arsenal fans like to pretend they had over Barca in those last 30 minutes midweek, by dominating the possession in fairly comfortable area’s whilst not really looking very toothy (which I suppose is the opposite of toothless) at the business end. In the end it was a woeful call from the lino that ensured Chelsea’s victory as Didier Drogba came on to score from such an offside position he could’ve been on another pitch. Kiko Macheda grabbed one back with his biceps but it wasn’t enough, and Chelsea held on quite comfortably for the spoils. Carlo Ancelotti did his best to not get carried away by the result, telling MoTD “I am in football, it’s very easy to go down”, which is no doubt something he’s overheard his Captain say to women in bars on many occasions.
Everton 2-2 West Ham – In the best game of the weekend, West Ham finally gave their little Gianfranco Zola something to smile about for a change, encouraging him to break into a little dance after rescuing a point at in form Everton. In a pulsating game that saw Tim Howard also bust a little move after saving Mido’s penalty, the ‘Ammers were lucky not to concede a second after Louis Saha and his exploding orange hair was kicked in the chest after ballet leaping his way into the box. The ‘Ammers were good for their point though and Ilan’s last gasp diving header was the least they deserved, and one of the few of it’s ilk we’ve seen this season.
Birmingham 1-1 Liverpool – As Liverpool were held again, the talking point of the afternoon came as Fernando Torres was substituted and Manchester United fans gained more support for their Keep Rafa At Pool campaign. Although later emerging with an ice pack, his removal seemed to take even him by surprise as he reacted to the unusual sight of his number appearing on the board like a boy who’d just seen the disappointing mechanics of a pantomime horse for the first time, whilst Steven Gerrard looked on in disbelief like someone who’d forgotten where he’d parked his car. Despite the lack of El Nino however, Liverpool should still have really won the game. After their captain had given them the lead courtesy of a fantastic pass/horrendous comical shot (delete where appropriate) from Glen Johnson and Liam Ridgewell had crotched in an equalizer, the game was all Liverpool’s to win. But even despite the best efforts of Lee Bowyer – who missed a sitter then decided to try and dribble his way around 5 players the wrong way in his own half with almost dyer consequences – they couldn’t take advantage. The fans didn’t seem to like it much either, unless they were chanting Boo-ernitez.
Arsenal 1-0 Wolves – As fouling Arsenal players officially became a red card offense, the home side kept their title challenge alive with a last gasp winner from Nicklas Bendtner. This game was really more about Theo Walcott though as he continued his run as Arsenal’s chief tormentor in a rather haphazard but generally positive way. With his pace causing Wolves, and sometime himself, considerable problems all afternoon, he probably should’ve grabbed the winning goal himself but miskicked horribly after his previous good work had given others clear chances on 3 or 4 occasions – with Eduardo the main culprit. Arsene Wenger is also now rapidly challenging Fergie in the “embarrassing granddad dance at a late goal” department.
Burnley 1-6 Man City – In the weirdest game of the weekend, Manchester City casually strolled their way to victory at Turf Moor as Burnley comically dissolved in the rain. Some fans left the stadium after 6 minutes as City went three up and the club frantically tried to contact the Old Trafford cricket ground to see if their scoreboard was available. Brian Laws has certainly turned things around at the Lancashire club, in a horrible, horrible way, but credit must go to the home fans that stayed and cheered their team as they were completely dismantled in front of them. Even the creaking approximation of Patrick Vieira’s body parts grabbed a goal as the away side romped to the biggest half time margin in Premier League history.
Sunderland 3-1 Spurs – In a farcical game at the Stadium of Light, Sunderland did their best to not win a game they almost completely dominated whilst Darren Bent both exorcised and gained some demons against his old club. After a bitter exit from Spurs which included the now compulsory and bafflingly culturally important Tweeting, Bent seemed to visibly relish putting his side two up early on before Tottenham did their best to get him his hat trick by almost constantly giving away penalties. Heurelho Gomes didn’t seem to be in on the plan however, and pulled off two excellent saves from two actually rather good spot kicks. Peter Crouch managed to actually do something useful with his head for a change before Bolo Zenden wrapped the game up spectacularly. But not before Anton Ferdinand had performed some kind of hybrid Michael Jackson/Bo Selecter/Drunken Giraffe celebration routine thingy before eventually realizing his goal had been disallowed.
You can follow Oscar on Twitter here; http://twitter.com/oscarpyejeary, Did he want to write about Hull? NO. Did he want to write about Stoke? NO, but you can tell him to stop f***ing around and do it if you like.