Alan Shearer on ISIS and the Community Shield

Controversial pundit Alan Shearer has been at it again offering up his highly contentious views on all things football.

The dome-headed ticket-donator may be paid a ludicrous amount of license fee money for his opinions but when they’re so damn insightful they make us ordinary mortals reassess our very core beliefs; when they’re so utterly profound our doors of perception are blown clean off their hinges….well, how is that not worth every penny and more?

This time out the sagacious human think tank was asked by the BBC for his thoughts on the season ahead. His answers were rightfully given a prominent spot on their website, dwarfing Celtic’s Champion’s League travails and two Norwich City transfer coups.

Having read them our eyebrows are now permanently transplanted onto our crown so a warning here might be appropriate. Buckle in your brains people because we’re in for a bumpy ride where everything you once thought true will be catapulted into the ether.

Chelsea, according to forthright Al, will once again be the team to beat. Madness, we admit, but bear with him because he’s going somewhere with this. And let’s not forget his loads of goals for Newcastle and England that give his debate-stirring standpoints a great deal of weight.

If Liverpool fail to win any silverware this season then Brendan Rodgers may find himself under a bit of pressure. Mind. Blown. Shut the back door and let’s take a moment to recover from that one.

Okay, it took a lot quicker than we thought to recover. In fact let’s whizz through the rest because all this liquid gold is starting to sear.
Arsenal need a centre-forward while there is still work to be done for Manchester United. The top four from last term meanwhile will all inhabit the Champion’s League spots once again only “not necessarily in that order”.

Ah that is brilliant, quoting Eric Morecombe like that. Only Wor Al probably didn’t realise he was quoting Eric Morecombe. One genius’ famous punchline is another man playing it safe.

It could be argued that this bombardment of erudite truth-bombs could equally be gauged from a budgie having skim-read a few tabloid headlines left at the bottom of its cage but that would be quite, quite wrong.

Alan is a soothsayer and a seer and frankly in these trepidous times his wisdom is wasted on mere footy.

We that in mind we asked the Premier League’s top scorer (we didn’t really) to offer his unique insights on all manner of things ranging from this Sunday’s big game to global issues.

This should really have been titled ‘Alan puts the world to rights’. Here’s what he had to say (not really)…

Alan on….the Community Shield

“I think it’s going to be between Arsenal or Chelsea for this one. Look out for Diego Costa who is a big bustling centre-forward type of player – some might say similar to myself (laughs). He’s going to be in the thick of the action for sure. Then there’s Rooney? No? Are you sure?

“Fabregas! That’s it, Fabregas. He’s a midfielder and a good one too. I think he is good at what he does.

“On the touchline will be Jose Mourinho who likes to stir things up with some comments here and there. He certainly speaks his mind. As for Wenger…he doesn’t like to spend money does he.”

Alan on….ISIS

“It’s cheap and cheerful but decent quality to be fair. Though you wouldn’t get away with wearing their stuff in a Newcastle changing room that includes Rob Lee let me tell you. That man’s banter was legendary…”

(We remind Alan that we’re not talking about the online clothing company of a similar name)

“Oh bad people. The government will be disappointed and there’s still a little bit of work to be done. But they are definitely bad people.

“Handbags is one thing but….well, I’ll say it…they’re taking it too far now. Is disgraceful too strong a word? Perhaps.”

Alan on…the Labour leadership contest

“It’s going to be close. You can quote me on that. It’s going to be close. And I would say it’s between Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper, Jeremy Corbyn, and Liz Kendall for me.

“All four need to do well in the weeks ahead and they will be looking to do that. They certainly have it in their lockers.”

Marmite

“It’s like golf. Some people like it and some people don’t. There are those who like it on their toast or in a sandwich whereas with others…and I’m going out on a limb here…they really don’t like the taste. Can I have that big cheque now?”