Arsenal’s very own X-File mystery

My columns seem to be as sporadic as Arsenal’s form so far. So I’ll be polite and cognisant enough to request your forgiveness in advance for my impending hypocrisies.

However, it is extremely difficult to bask in the glory of Sunday’s unexpected and ill-timed victory without highlighting some extraordinary events that took place on the fastest growing area for unsolved mysteries, the Emirates football pitch.

Championship winners Newcastle gave the impression the chairman received inspiration for youth development from the early 90′s film California Man when they came to town. Featuring a thawed out caveman in a forward position, whose instructions were to idly slump around the penalty area hoping Joey Barton (whose party tricks include stubbing lit cigars in people’s eyes as the midfielder himself has admitted to) could land the ball on his hairy head. The Geordies returned from the capital with all three points. We have seen newly promoted West Brom turn up and make us look like Premier League newcomers, and given that a team, who remained undefeated throughout the course of a season and were then dubbed ‘The Invincibles’, the unthinkable happened on the 20th of November when Spurs stole a victory from the jaws of defeat, you could understand why this team may be alluded to as ‘The Unmentionables’.

The laws of science and theories of logic continued to be defied on the 105 x 68 metre long lawn with the players unable to defeat Leeds, yet shocking current La Liga champions Barcelona. More recently, three consecutive draws at our home ground against varied opposition would have Sherlock Holmes scratching his head and wishing to return to his bee farm.

Many journalists and pundits claim to have the answers to all of these mysterious events, but their ripostes are as inaccurate as they are somnolent.

Sunday afternoon saw the world’s first live broadcast of a spirit possession as Arsene Wenger sent on Andrey Arshavin inhabited by the ghost of Andy Linighan. Where exactly did those half a dozen, precisely timed, sliding tackles come from?

This season I have half expected to wake up in the morning and sit down for breakfast only to be rudely interrupted by the Russian’s mug-shot on my milk carton. He’s been missing for such a long period. Between our qualified Fashion Designer, Gael Clichy, and any number of midfield players, a mini Bermuda Triangle had started to appear in Islington. Having gone missing for so long some conspiracy theorists claim that these players will turn up in countries such as Italy and Spain after the summer wearing the colours of other clubs, although they are eternally grateful for Arsenal’s role in their personal development, it is time they moved on to win trophies.

It’s an underwhelming, and ultimately, an exasperating feeling that is becoming all too familiar to Gooners worldwide. Despite this, any talk of overhauling the squad are at least premature and more probably further from the truth than Szczesny’s kicks are further from a red shirt. Until any activity occurs and we have some evidence disclosed, all this talk is that of Apocalyptic folk reading from ancient and unidentified Maya text ignoring previous attestation and instead living for crisis.

So while Mulder and Scully would have hours of fun studying a montage of Arsenal’s very own X-Files, and former professionals will continue to get paid for recycling the same tiring blurbs, would it surprise anyone if we were in the same position next year?

I’m not sure what my point is in all of this. I know I had one to begin with but once I get going, what starts as a well planned piece, very quickly deteriorates into a one sided ramble. Something goes wrong between my brain producing thoughts and those ideas being processed in Notepad. I guess it’s another case for the crew of Fringe. Till next time…

Article courtesy of Gavin Connolly at Gunnersphere
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