I want to win this World Cup twice! That’s the message from the England manager on the eve of the 2014 FIFA World Cup, in partnership with Visa and Coca Cola. And Sony.
An unexpectedly animated Roy shocked a jaded crowd of sports hacks with his assertion that the three lions could become the first side to win the tournament twice at the same event.

‘I’m sick of the naysayers and pooh pooh merchants who dismiss England’s chances on the mere grounds that we’re not very good at winning football matches,’ announced a proud Roy, ‘I say, look at the facts. Have Brazil ever done it? Italy? Germany? No! We have just as much chance as any of the so-called giants of taking the 2014 title twice. Now where did I leave my statins?’

By now the fired-up gaggle of FIFA accredited journalists were so enthusiastic they led a rowdy march to the nearest caipirinha-selling establishment where the implications of Hodgson’s declaration could be given time to ferment before being wilfully misinterpreted on the inside back page of freebie newspapers. England play Italy on Saturday, after which things will return to normal.