An amazing and incredible story is emerging, one almost as amazing and incredible as the events of the Brazil-Croatia match. The amazing tension and incredible excitement of the opening game of the 2014 World Cup MAY have been faked.
According to sources uncovered by friends of WOB! a high-powered, top secret FIFA working party was charged with persuading legendary cinematic auteur Stanley Kubrick to write, film and even edit the entire opening evening of the 2014 World Cup. FIFA, desperate to avoid a repeat of the 2010 finals in South Africa when the home nation were knocked out in the first round, wanted the veteran movie genius, known for his suspenseful style, to create a gripping game with incidents, goals, perverse refereeing decisions and Brazil qualifying early for the next round.

Like most summer blockbusters the World Cup is deemed ‘too big to fail’. The connection between football and Hollywood is long established through movies such as Green Screen Hooligans, When Saturday Teatime Comes, The Village of the Damned United, Escape To Victoria Beckham and United Passions. So FIFA are optimistic that scripting the whole tournament can secure all their objectives. According to WOB!‘s source,the entire event, from opening ceremony to the match itself, was filmed on HD, and acted out to a script written by a forty member FIFA committee using actors, sixty thousand extras and the world’s biggest green screen.

Unfortunately, due to his death in 1999, Kubrick was unavailable so Sam Mendes was in charge instead. FIFA bigwigs, worried that their chicanery was obvious to even the smallest child, are rumoured to be considering a demand for a refund.