EIGHT things that will happen this Premier League season

This weekend, the Premier League season will return after 13 long and arduous weeks. Although the World Cup may have provided a welcome distraction from the absence of domestic football, fans up and down the country will be undoubtedly be looking forward to the suspense-filled excitement of following their beloved clubs.

The intriguing and competitive nature of the English football’s top tier means that nothing is certain; this time last year who could’ve foreseen Birmingham City’s ninth-placed finish or Liverpool’s abject descent from second to seventh?

Despite this relative lack of certainty, there are a few things that do tend to occur on annual basis. The following eight occurrences WILL happen over the course of the forthcoming season…

Beware of the Drog
Arsenal’s campaign will derail prematurely yet again, most likely at the hands of the aging Didier Drogba (with the aid of Manuel Almunia and/or Lukasz Fabianski). Despite the introduction of mandatory calcium supplements at the side’s training ground, at least 15 first team players will succumb to injury over the course of the season.

To be Frank
Frank Lampard will score at least ten goals courtesy of penalties and deflections. He will continue to precede each spot-kick with that irritating ‘tongue hanging out of mouth’ routine. Lampard’s side will again continue to defy the scaremongering concerning the average age of their squad.

Ollie, Ollie, Ollie!
Blackpool will upset a member of the Premier League hierarchy early on in the season, leading to them being firmly established as the nation’s favourite ‘second team’ for the remainder of the season (see Hull City circa October 2008 and Burnley circa September 2009).

Rule Britannia
Thanks to a formidable home record (one that will see the ground in question labelled as a ‘fortress’ and a ‘tough place to get three points’), one promoted side will ‘do a Stoke’ and finish in mid-table.

Should he stay or should he go?
The January transfer window will see the birth of the forthcoming summer’s ‘will he or won’t he, I don’t really care’ transfer saga (a la Cristiano Ronaldo in 2008). Early forecasts suggest the smart money would be on one of Cesc Fabregas, Fernando Torres or Ashley Cole.

A season of two halves
Aston Villa will fly out of the blocks, providing genuine credence to the notion that they can finish within the top four, before succumbing to the failings of their inadequate squad size early in the new year. Conversely, Everton will acquaint themselves with the second half of the table for much of the first half of the season before making a late assault on the European places thanks to a glorious run in the second half of the season.

Roode Boy
Despite further evidence of his maturity, Wayne Rooney’s infamous temper will rear its ugly head again. However, certain sections of the media will eschew criticism of such antics by praising his ‘passionate, workmanlike, British bulldog-spirit’.

Unless Roy Hodgson secures the signing of an adequate stand-in for Liverpool’s number nine, his side will struggle to find the back of the net in the absence of Fernando Torres. Cue infuriating draws against some of the Premier League’s lesser lights.

Did I miss anything out? Let me know below…

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