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ENGLAND’S NEXT NEXT NEXT NEXT GENERATION

In a crazily impressive response to this tournaments noĊµ traditional England World Cup shambles the visionaries at the FA are already planning ahead- 20 years ahead in fact.
WOB understands that the FA is looking at the “yet to exist generation of playing talent” and how they can “be born AND made” by creating ENGLAND stud farms all over the country where they might sire, squire and yield the next, next, next, next generation’s victorious England World Cup squad.
Nicknamed the “DIAMOND GENERATION” (because they really are forever) and following Germany’s considerable experience of forward thinking & biological planning, senior FA figures have started using Capital Cup cash and FA cup ticket sales not just to pay for things we can’t legally mention yet but to invest in an elaborate “science” programme.
“Soccer Camps” will select healthy English-qualified women and use genetics, phonetics and ebonetics to create a new breed of so-called ‘Spinal’ players. Not only will these have a spine, like all players, but they will fill key positions of Goalkeeper, Central Defender, Captain, Playmaker with a Haymaker and Big Scary Genius Striker. The recent obsession with who should play left back was, it seems, a smoke-screen to deflect attention from the policy of purposely playing wrong players in key roles to justify this ambitious programme.
Though details are hazy, it appears that DIAMOND children could be created in football shaped test tubes and then implanted somehow into a host, possibly with a plastic spoon or an icing attachment. WOB has already seen an email sent out by the FA to its entire address book, searching for players willing to “seed the fertile host with football talent”, though for many the trail ended in their spam folder after the header ‘are you fertile?’ was used. England greats that have been mooted as possible sources of “material” include David “Goldenballs” Beckham, David “Safe Hands” Seaman and David “Aston” Villa.
Though even the FA can’t guarantee results, such pedigree will mean that these children of the damned will be born with an innate predisposition for managing a twitter profile, negotiating image rights and dealing with sponsors offering free money. Stage Two, currently mooted to go online in 2054, should deal with defensive structure and ball retention, especially in conditions such as needing to preserve a 1-1 score line in the first round of the World Cup just to stay in the bloody competition.

Article title: ENGLAND’S NEXT NEXT NEXT NEXT GENERATION

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