After the USA’s astonishing, Germany-matching success in the 2014 Tournament, FIFA is investigating ways to make the game- known as soccer in the US, and football everywhere else on God’s green earth, except Italy – even more popular stateside.
WOB understands that FIFA’s ideal solution is to team up with a major Hollywood franchise to exploit marketing synergies and utilise subliminal pro-football messages. Also Sepp Blatter can then get his pic taken with someone more glamorous than the King of Belgium.
Provisional discussions have already taken place with LucasFilm, whose representative jokingly suggested the Death Star as a possible host venue for the World Cup.
But FIFA’s negotiators were taken with the idea. The space station, familiar to millions from the Star Wars movies, is theoretically perfect for the competition. Given its distance away from Earth, security issues will not arise and only Americans will be wealthy enough to reach the finals. A lack of any prior experience hosting an international sporting event and a history of human rights atrocities on a massive, galactic scale, have not dissuaded FIFA from awarding the 2022 tournament to Qatar, which similarly does not actually exist.
Already though fans of football teams like Manchester United, Manchester City, Barcelona, Real Madrid, Paris St Germain, Bayern Munich and Hull Tigers are worried as they fear the game they love could now become “all about money” and “cheap commercial cash-ins”. “How are we expected to get back from the Death Star after a four o’clock Sunday kick-off?” complained Mars-based Manchester United supporter Tony Love.
A provisional FIFA report seen by WOB states “There is a compelling case for a more US-friendly space-based soccer tournament. The Death Star may lack stadiums presently but has many highly incentivised Wookie slaves to build them and a robust security infrastructure to prevent unrest.
No other “superweaponised” space station is football shaped. Woo, yeah!!”
FIFA is hopeful that big names like “Tom Kroos, Lenny Messi, Lord Beckham, the late George Best, Brad Pitt-Friedel and Luis Suarez of Liverpool, Barcelona or Real Madrid” can be attached to the bid. It is also considering the American suggestion that an oval shaped ball could really “add something else”. After decades of controversy, this approach may be a new start for FIFA and the World Cup. Or the end of the universe.