Football FanCast’s 11 Commandments to live by

1. Thou shalt always be the first to say ‘Have you seen this?’

Arsene Wenger

Arsene Wenger is famed for saying ‘I did not see it’ when his side are the beneficiaries of a generous decision. But you don’t miss a thing, you see it all. And your mates respect you for it. Wenger could learn a thing or too from you.

2. Thou shalt always have an opinion and stick by it

Stan Collymore

You may as well be Stan Collymore in disguise. Your opinions are strong and sometimes controversial, but you’re proud of them. Don’t let anyone tell you what to think, stand by your opinions and scream them at those who disagree. Loudly.

3. Thou shalt never wait for MOTD

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You’ve got better things to be doing than waiting up until 10.30pm for Match of the Day. You’ll probably be out, so it’s lucky you spent the afternoon with Jeff Stelling to get your football fix. It’s much more entertaining, too. Gary Lineker and Alan Shearer are nowhere near the same league as Jeff Stelling and Paul Merson.

4. Thou shalt always stick a Saturday acca on

And a Sunday one too. You know deep down that money would be better off in your rainy day fund, but you convince yourself you’re going to win that mega 28-fold acca from a £1 stake one day. You’ve got to be in to win it, after all. Just ask Ray Winstone, he loves it.

5. Thou shalt use Twitter, not Final Score

You don’t just want scores, you want reaction and details. Final Score will tell you Emile Heskey has scored in the 46th minute. Twitter will tell you it went in off Emile’s left arse cheek and he still doesn’t know he’s scored despite it being 20 minutes later. Good times.

6. Thou shalt waste your life away playing Football Manager

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If you didn’t then you won’t know who Cherno Samba is. If you did, you’ve had his name on the back of every shirt you’ve bought since 2001. Legend.

7. Thou shalt never let the Sunday League team down

You sank 12 pints, 18 shots and half a bottle of that dodgy looking liquor from the top shelf last night, but everyone knows you’ll be ready to boss the midfield come kick-off. You’re Mr. Reliable.

8. Thou shalt always remember to change your fantasy football team

Your mates call you the tinker man because you play around with your fantasy football team each week and still get results. Research is a paramount, complacency is for amateurs.

9.  Thou shall never say no to a kick about

It doesn’t matter whether you’ve had a long day at work and all you can think about is your bed. Your mates have invited you for a kickabout and you wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Demba Ba famously admitted he plays football with his mates in his back garden almost every day after training. You’re pretty much Demba Ba, just without the strawberry syrup addiction and millions in the bank.

10. Thou shalt never miss a lads night out

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You’ve got work in the morning but that won’t stop you hitting the tiles and getting yourself ‘mortal like.’ Andy Carroll does it, so why can’t you?

11. Thou shalt always put football first

Always. There’s simply not contest when it comes to anything else. You’re not changing for anyone.

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