Man City 0-2 Everton – The long awaited match up between Roberto “The Man” Mancini and David “Dead Eyes” Moyes was abandoned after a minute as both men were sent off for disorderly conduct and inappropriate chest rubbage in the Eastlands Arena last night. In more homoerotic overtones on the pitch, a bright pink referee presided over a team in pink stripes and a team in baby blue as Mikel Arteta continued to allude to how high up the table Everton would be if he’d been fit all season. As is almost always the case with Everton they would be so much better served if the season started 2 months later. Arteta and Cahill won the game for the Toffees before Moysey refused to give ‘Berto his ball back and all hell broke loose – sort of – on the touchline.
Pompey 0-5 Chelsea – In the slightly less anticipated match up between Chelsea’s least two charismatic managers in the history of the world, Pompey collapsed pathetically as Grant and Ancelotti tried to out do each other in a “who can look the most like a miserable frog” competition in the dugouts. Pompey have been resilient and inspirational in adversity recently but capitulated here after Calamity James rode again and air kicked a Deco header, leaving Didier Drogba an easy tap in just before half time. That killed them really and Pompey spent the second half struggling to understand the meaning or point in trying to play people offside. Chelsea romped home with good strikes from Malouda and Drogba and a “just nod it in” header from Fwanky Lamps, who’d been pretty much shooting on site all afternoon fully aware that closing down was the last thing anyone at Pompey wanted to happen.
Blackburn 2-1Birmingham – David Dunn was the hero against his former club as a sweet left foot volley and a weird half-yard header from a corner that looked to be going in anyway grabbed all 3 points for the home side. For a lot of the first half Dunn seemed to be playing without a name or number on his shirt, making it look as though Blackburn had had to quickly run to the club shop to fetch a replacement. Since they obviously didn’t have one spare, the only explanation for his re-emergence with the proper identification for the second, must be that they actually did run to the club shop to hastily get one printed. I also keep forgetting that Michel Salgado (whom I keep wanting to call Mitchell for some reason) plays for Blackburn now. I don’t know why, but it just seems wrong. A bit like when Mendieta played for ‘Boro. That was sad really.
Villa 1-1 Sunderland – More good news for Spurs as Villa also slipped up in the battle for CL qualification for the 2nd time in a week. Ashley Young was the stand out performer, perfectly timing his return to form with the global catastrophe that is David Beckham’s foot. Fraizer Campbell, undoubtedly roused by me calling him sh**e a few weeks ago, continued his goal scoring run by converting Sunderland’s only attack of the first half before Young found Carew to draw level. In more good news for England fans, Emile Heskey went off injured.
Spurs 3-1 Fulham – As everything went their way in the league, 1950s Matinee idol David Bentley swung to the rescue like Errol Flynn on a chandelier to inspire victory “in the cup for Tot-ing-ham”. After Bobby Zamora had put the Cottagers head, Spurs came out for the second half like a team possessed and after Bentley had curled them level with his first touch, conspired to spend the next half an hour doing a bizarre but fairly accurate impersonation of Barcelona on a good day. Despite this, and two more lovely goals from Pavlyuchenko and Gudjohnsen, ‘Arry Redknapp’s melting face didn’t look amused. He celebrated every goal like someone had just spat on his shoes, as his side booked their place in the semi’s to face his old club Portsmouth. Spurs have won the cup every time they’ve faced the south cost club in the competition. Cartoon owl and man god Roy Hodgson rallied his players in the final minutes and they could’ve had 4 had they not been utterly useless in the penalty area, or if their opposition hadn’t been so resilient – I’m not quite sure which. Still, no Juventus like comeback transpired and Spurs are on their way to Wembley where I’m sincerely hoping they can persuade Ossie Ardiles and Chas n’ Dave to reunite and record their song, even if it is just the semi’s.
You can follow Oscar on Twitter here; http://twitter.com/oscarpyejeary, where you can futilely attempt to explain the appeal of competative reality shows about cooking….It’s just cooking!