Need to hit a deadline? Lost for words? Unsure what to scribe about? Do not be afeard because in this very un-definitive article, we (and by we, I mean I but saying we sounds much grander doesn’t it) ahem, we intend to preach about how you can write an original article about the hottest thing in football, Barcelona.
La gent blaugrana. Pep Guardiola’s World Champions. From the wondrous Lionel Messi to Sergio Busquets interesting attempt at a Rhythmic Gymnastics floor routine (particular focus on the floor), all shall be covered.
First, as if to create a new angle for your story, you can help yourself by commencing with a sentence such as ‘One thing that hasn’t been said about Barcelona.’ Because surely something hasn’t been covered in hundreds, no, thousands of articles about the world’s best team.
No Barça article (notice the cedilla, pedants) is complete without mentioning the Argentinian wizardry of Lionel Messi. The best player the world has ever seen (or not because some bloke called Pelé said so.) As well as mentioning his twinkle toed footwork, you must also praise him for being so small and being able to play football – a truly incredible feat.
If you’re writing in the English press, you must bemoan how on earth England can’t produce a player of such quality. It is also essential to place an obscene pun containing the word Messi somewhere in your piece. Whether it’s “Things are going to get Messi” or the rather more original “All hail the MESSIah,” people will think much less of you should you fail to adhere.
(If you’re Andy Gray, being the critical Sky Sp…Talksport pundit that you are, you must ask the question as to whether the greatest player in the world could perform on a cold Tuesday night in Stoke before concluding that you must have had delusions of grandeur the night you posed that question. Please proceed to send a letter of apology to Lionel’s family for any trauma you may have caused for doubting the great man)
Should you fail to mention the Barça philosophy and in turn La Masia, your writing is as good as dead. For this is where the football you are watching was conceived. After all, you’ll sound very intelligent if you mention this little known fact in the footballing world as it hasn’t been bandied about at all – far from it. In a further effort to make your article sound credible, try throughout to sprinkle words such as genius and tiki-taka (not that you have any idea what it is but boy doesn’t it sound clever).
Now it comes to what shouldn’t be included in your article. ANYTHING NEGATIVE. How dare you – how dare you even think of producing a balanced argument in a piece about Barcelona! Be as stringent as a Press Officer for the Chinese Government. Don’t even ponder as to including Sergio Busquets’s writhing antics. I mean look at him. You know he might be genuinely inju…no he’s OK (again). He’s never ever writhed about on the floor in order to get a fellow professional sent off…Once…Twice…You’re missing the point! Should you include such miniscule details in your article, people might get the wrong idea i.e that Barcelona aren’t the best thing since sliced bread.
If you follow these relatively simple guidelines, expect worldwide acclaim for your literary skills. Fail to get this acclaim and you obviously didn’t read this article properly. You fool.*
*The author actually fully appreciates the greatness of Barcelona and isn’t a bitter José Mourinho in disguise**.
** Yours, the Special One.
Twitter – @arhindtutt