In a blatant example of oar-insertion in matters that don’t even bear consideration, politician Michael Gove has proposed that World Cup television commentators be actively involved in his quixotic campaign to promote ‘British values’.

“I was watching Paulinho of Tottenham Hotspurs run at Lovren of plucky little Southampton in the opening match between Brazil and plucky little Croatia and I thought ‘let’s make more of this! let’s show some British pride in British values!’ And British values include enticing talented, highly qualified people from around the world to fill posts in areas where we have skill shortages, such as midfield, attack and defence. And in goal,” rambled the strange-looking, sort-of-Scottish Secretary of Education and Pseudo-Patriotism during a committee meeting about something far more important, “So from now on, I demand that British commentators mention the club sides that pay the wages of these tricky foreigners, to remind everyone that even if we regularly lose at football to them, it’s Great Britain plc that owns their foreign asses, I mean, player registrations.”

Asked what should happen when players who made their name in the Premiership have moved to another league, Gove suggested that the words ‘Of Real Madrid’ could be used as a suffix, particularly for ex-Spurs players. A civil service insider later admitted that though such outbursts should really stay under wraps, she couldn’t resist leaking them to the press.