Chewy Louie Suarez, the bitingly brilliant performance artist and occasional footballer, has come up with a new excuse for his toothsome sampling of Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini. According to the increasingly desperate Uruguayan renegade striker the BRITISH MEDIA have “controlled his every move” since he washed up in Europe, sending MESSAGES through the ether, ordering him to BITE opponents or HUMILIATE the Manchester United defence.
“On that fateful flight to Amsterdam I distinctly recall that I fell asleep and awoke feeling disoriented. I presumed it was jet lag, but now I realise that I must have been infected with the receptors used by the forces of black mass communication to make me do bad things,” said a wide-eyed, frantic looking Suarez at his latest press conference, to much laughter, followed by more laughter after his remarks were translated into other languages.
“Now that Rebecca Brooks, the dark mistress of all things that can be transmitted and intercepted, has been safely convicted, I feel free to reveal the truth about what has been done to me by Rupert Murdoch and his minions, apart from giving me millions of pounds,” declared an ecstatic Suarez later, outside the courtroom where he may yet face assault charges.
Told by the assembled press throng that Brooks had in fact been acquitted he mumbled ‘Mierda!’ and covered his head with his tracksuit top, revealing his sponsors logo, until a representative of the company made him take it off.