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After a remarkable season where he won every footballing award known to English fans, except the Premiership, FA and Capital cups, Luis Suarez has criticised the press, media, fans, children, some but not all dogs and anyone else who doesn’t share his exact views. Suarez feels people are disrespectful and intolerant of his work.

“You Earthlings don’t get me,” he complained, “Being a Superman is a lonely business, especially when the goals, success, vast wealth and large cheering crowds fail to appease this emptiness.” Suarez is particularly disappointed at how his work has been so misinterpreted “The little people misunderstand me. When I bite an opponent I’m trying to draw attention to world hunger. When I comment on another player’s skin colour, it’s in the tradition of satire. Especially when that player is such an easy and unpopular target.”

According to the Uruguayan superstar, his super success brings him only misery, unwanted attention and lucrative commercial opportunities. While his achievements on the pitch are overlooked, with the public only remembering incidents such the handball and subsequent massed missed penalty celebration in the last World Cup. The Liverpool legend claims he is making plans to enter another astral plane, where his actions and motivations will not be questioned.

“My people are neogotiating for me to leave this planet for a new world where I will be appreciated and not hounded. Where tolerance and the values I believe in hold sway. Where there is freedom and equality. Somewhere like Real Madrid.”


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