The Premier League General Election – Vote Now!

With the General Election and Premier League season both set to reach their climactic conclusion in the second week of May, what tenuous parallels can we draw between the main contenders of each? Who would be who in the fight for power? Clamor for recognition and scramble to escape embarrassment? Lets see….

In the Blue Corner; The Conservatives/Chelsea: Desperately vying to get back into power after what seems like an age of Labour dominancy, the Blues are in the driving seat, and will only fail to reclaim the title through their own ineptitude. Lead by a man perceived to be hugely out of touch with reality – but who presents himself as a man of the people – their long-term weakness lies in their creakingly aged squad. Their last stint at the top was engineered by a hugely charismatic, egomaniacal and divisive figure, and they’ve struggled to fill those shoes since with a succession of drab, uninteresting frog-like people. Unstable in Europe and frequently rocked by sordid scandal in the past, this win could reinvigorate them for the foreseeable future.

In the Red Corner; The Labour Party/Manchester United: Tenuously clinging on to power after a long and successful reign, the Reds look weaker this season after the loss of their preening, vain, dishonest but talismanic figurehead, who’s buggered off to sunnier climbs to top up his tan. Lead by a grouchy and volatile Scottish bully disliked by the media at large, they’ve often been accused in the last few years of abandoning their core values and adopting their rivals more conservative tactics. Their support base remains angry over the large amount of debt they’ve gotten themselves into, and they’ll need a slip up from the opposition to remain in power for another term. Much more successful in Europe than their main competitors, but their “special relationship” with the USA has many within their ranks concerned.

In the Yellow (and White) Corner; The Liberal Democrats/Spurs; Most would’ve plumped for Arsenal here in a lazy three party system/three horse race analogy, but Spurs are a much better fit. Never in with a shot of winning the thing, but could make huge strides into influential positions if they continue their current form. Crucial to the actual outcome, they are the king makers, playing all the leadership challengers in the run in and besting them so far. Haven’t been a force since the bygone ages but mounting a comeback of sorts under dynamic new leadership (…sort of)

In the Green(and White) Corner; The Green Party/Fulham: Generally seen as completely harmless and representative of all that’s nice and quaint about middle class England, their recent agenda has been hugely popular and failure to respect it has seen the big boys stung on occasion. They’ve done much better than expected in Europe too, despite having nothing really to play for domestically.

With Parties running low in both significant number and satirical promise, I’m plum out of ideas, and so look to you, the voter, to come up with who think could represent the parties and peoples in political positions. I’ll try and keep updating this for a conclusive list….Vote now!

 


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