People not at work during the day for whatever reason- maybe they’re unemployed, or students or Albert Riera- have two options to help them waste away the hours: Sky Sports News or double bills on the Paramount comedy channel. You can watch one, or the other, but to watch both would feel vaguely perverse. And as you’re all football fans, it seems likely that any reference to Dharma and Gregg- a show designed with the daytime television watcher in mind, almost hypnotic in its capability to generate a hollowed out self loathing in the soul of the viewer- would be largely lost on you. So you’re just going to have to take my word for it when I say that Mr and Mrs Arshavin are truly the Dharma and Greg of The footballer and their Wags world.
Andrei plays the Greg role, all straight laced and old fashioned conservatism, he is on record as saying that all women should be banned from driving “because they are too dangerous.” (As opposed, presumably, to professional footballers, whose collective road safety record is unblemished.) Yulie is Dharma: baggy clothing and sass, she thinks that the English are “too reserved.” Well, when the choice is that or being put out on loan at Bolton Wanderers or Mk Dons you can hardly blame us, dear. She also thinks the country is “dull,” and the food “sub-standard” (in fairness, when I first read that quote I assumed she was talking about a ham and turkey six incher, all the salad and on traditional Italian white- so she might have a point on the issue of our unimaginative pallets.)
An avid blogger, Arshavin has since “prohibited his wife from talking about England.” It’s strange, because I remember watching his performance against Holland in 2008 and declaring him my favourite ever footballer- I handed over my season ticket renewal form at St. James’ Park later that week with a quip about hoping the money would be getting put towards signing him. (In a moment that has since proven symbolically, and horrifyingly, apt, the ticket office lady had never heard of him.) But technology has caught up with us once again, it seems, and just as they say you should never meet your heroes, nor should you ever, just to be on the safe side, read their blog either.
Written By Chris Mackin