The five things Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger wants most for Christmas

Check your chocolate-filled advent calendars, folks – we’re now just TWO sleeps away from Christmas day!

Indeed, it may seem like only yesterday we were celebrating New Year’s for 2015, but we’re now just 48 hours away from the short period in which parents up and down the country let an old, chubby, bearded man break into their private property and leave gifts for their naive, impressionable and vulnerable young children. Apparently, that’s a good thing.

We at Football Fancast are all bursting at the seams with festive cheer and the same can be said for Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger, a man notoriously fond of celebrating Jesus’s birthday.

He’s already bought new football boots for all of Arsenal’s star players and has even started stuffing his turkey with frogs legs. But worried St. Nick might frown upon his questionable spelling, the Gunners gaffer has asked us to give his Christmas wish list a quick proof read before leaving it at the bottom of his chimney.

Being a rather cheeky bunch at Football Fancast, we feel no remorse in sharing the five items at the top of Wenger’s wish list this year with you lucky souls.

A JOSE MOURINHO VOODOO DOLL

Chelsea - Jose Mourinho Press Conference
To many, being sacked as Chelsea manager is probably enough punishment for Jose Mourinho, especially with Christmas just around the corner. How he be able to afford a new crutch for whoever the Portuguese equivalent of Tiny Tim is now?

But not to Arsene Wenger, the man who has felt the full brunt of the Special One’s insidious remarks like no other Premier League manager. ‘Specialist in failure’, ‘Voyeur’, ‘the only manager in the Premier League who doesn’t have to worry about his job’ – Le Professeur never forgets.

Consequentially, there’s nothing Wenger would like more this Christmas than a Jose Mourinho Voodoo doll, finding great pleasure in sticking pins and god knows what else into a pintsized effigy of the unemployed Portuguese.

Santa isn’t too big on black magic but Emmanuel Adebayor’s mum can probably help the Arsenal gaffer out.

A TREADMILL WITH GOAL POSTS


A treadmill with goal posts. An item that probably doesn’t exist.

Why would Wenger want this for Christmas? So Arsenal can get more practice walking it into the net.

I’ll see myself out.

ZIPPER GREASE

WengerCoatholding
Every season, Arsene Wenger gets a new, thirty-foot-long puffer jacket. And every season, the Frenchman somehow gets trapped in it as he fails to master the basic mechanics of a conventional zip – leading to much hilarity at his expense on the touchline.

“Convert to buttons!” some Arsenal fans cry. “Stop wearing coats with zips longer than Peter Crouch,” others protest.

But alas, Wenger is a notoriously stubborn man (it took him ten years to get rid of Nicklas Bendtner) and rather than daring to extinct an old tradition now, he’d much prefer to stick with the highly-fashionable telescopic puffer coat with one alteration courtesy of St. Nick – a fresh splattering of zipper grease.

Does such a thing exist? Yes! It’s a little known fact that zipper grease is made from the sweat of the north pole’s elfish slaves. Its sales keeps the local economy steady during the non-festive periods.

MILES AND MILES OF BUBBLEWRAP


Wrapping footballers in bubblewrap is meant to be a stock commentary joke, aimed at any footballer who finds himself spending more time in the physio room than on the pitch.

But having endured injury crisis after injury crisis during every single season of his lengthy north London reign, it’s becoming one of the only strategies Wenger hasn’t actually tried in his thus far fruitless mission to end Arsenal’s love-hate relationship with crocked stars.

Indeed, it takes little more than a slightly-too-feisty tug of war over Christmas cracker to leave Jack Wilshere sidelined for six months with a strained wrist (although his internet search history suggests there might be other causes), whilst the sheer soundwaves from muttering the word ‘injury’ is enough to shatter every bone in Aaron Ramsey’s lower legs.

So why not literally wrap the players in bubblewrap? It might actually work! Then again, it might also lead to some chaffing-induced injuries.

ANYTHING BUT A NEW SIGNING

Arsene Wenger - Ouch
There are plenty of items on Wenger’s wish list this year – he’s fully aware that he’s been a very good boy – but one thing definitely absent from his note to St. Nick is a brand new January signing.

Indeed, Arsenal may be in the middle of a typically Arsenal injury crisis and may have their best chance of claiming the Premier League title for over a decade, but the last thing Le Prof needs is some stupid world-class signing turning up in north London during the January transfer window and ignorantly improving the depth of the Gunners’ squad with all his bloody talent.

Why do that when you can spend £10k on some lanky teenager from Djibouti? Or better yet, give Mathieu Flamini a new contract? Karim Benzema can humbug off!