Why Always Me? The diary of Liverpool’s madcap Italian

Not even my special haircut could save Liverpool this week, as we lost to Everton (well, it felt like a defeat) before being beaten by Basel (I though the Swiss were neutral).

I’ve been settling in nicely over the past few weeks, and big Martin Skrtel has been taking me out to meet the ladies of Liverpool. We haven’t had much luck yet, but with the nights getting darker our fortunes could be about to change!

As ever, I’ve been a busy boy away from the pitch, so come in a catch up with what I’ve been up to…

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CLICK ON ME LOOKING CHEERY BEFORE THE BASEL BRUSH

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Thursday

Haircut time! I love a new hairdo, and, unlike Samson, I thrive with less foliage on by head. I asked for a Liver bird-type do, but instead I ended up looking like a bloody Canary! Still, Norwich are winning week in week out now, so maybe January could be something to think about…

I went out with Mamadou in the evening and he was not happy with by new style! Seems that he’s annoyed that he no longer looks like my twin. Maybe it was him doing all of those mad things when I was last in England?

Balotelli Sakho

Friday

Mamadou will not let it go! I found him weeping in the corner in the changing room when I got in today. The poor bloke is a wreck, I almost felt sorry for him until I got a weird text from Fanny… It seems that by ‘double act’ has been hanging around outside of her hotel in a bid to get her back! But she rumbled him after seeing my Instagram account. I had a word, and he looked like he was about to break. Hope he takes it well when Brendan picks Toure over him tomorrow, he has to after the big man beat the boss in the cake eating competition on Monday!

Met up with Fabio this evening. He kept pestering me with calls in the middle of the night, so I finally relented. He showed up at my house with a canister of helium… odd bloke him.

I also tried to order a Breaking Bad chicken t-shirt… Think I got the wrong web address though.

Saturday

Balotelli Everton

Derby day, and my worst fears were confirmed. Sakho finally fell over the edge… Toure’s skills with the cherry bakewells got him on the bench, so Mamadou was dropped. He broke down. It was very sad. He began stuffing the half time oranges into his mouth in a bid to convince Brendan, but it was too late. When we couldn’t find the Gaviscon he had to leave to nip to Morrisons. He didn’t come back.

Things didn’t get much better during the game either… That Amish bloke in goal for the blue team kept out my shots and then the clodder at the back who’d been kicking me around hit a Mario Balotelli shot into the top corner. Jose Mourinho text me a smiley face after the game. I hate that bloke.

Sunday

Lambert

Day off today! Time for the big shop. I love going to Lidl to get things done, but I wasn’t expecting to bump into Rickie. Things are a ‘Lidl’ (see what I did there) awkward between us at the moment, so he hid when I saw him… He was tucked away in the fishing nets when I caught him… bizarre. “First time you’ve found the net this season,” I crowed as I passed him on the way to the wieldy colourer meat section. Mario 1-0 world.

I wanted to head out with Stevie tonight to catch a Phil Collins disco-themed party, but it was cancelled. I could see the rage burning away in him, but I calmed him with the promise of Downton Abbey… he loves that show.

Monday

Back into training today. Everyone was trying to copy my free-kick (much better than Gerrard’s on Saturday), but the only person able to better it was Colin Pascoe. He rolled up his shorts like Alexis Sanchez does and stretched his turkey legs before rifling it in. Fair play to him, not many people are on my level…

I spent the afternoon on Facetime with my dog in Italy. I need a little pet over here, maybe I can give Fabio a call…

Tuesday

Switzerland trip. I’ve got my orders to bring back all the Toblerone possible to cheer up Mamadou. He’s not taken things well, so hopefully some chocolate will get him back on track. If he eats too much Kolo can lend him some of those diet pills he keeps on about…

Rickie must have made the same Basel faulty joke about six times today…. Yawn.

Wednesday

Balotelli

I overslept so I did my training on FIFA 15. It’s realistic, right? By the time the game came around I was a little tired, so that’s why we lost. That and the fact Stevie forgot his cod liver oil! I could hear his knees creaking from 50 yards away!

Rickie made the Basel faulty joke yet again! Hope he leaves in January…

Tuesday

Balotelli

Brendan arranged for his ‘Group Bus’ to pick us all up from the airport today ahead of a little cheer up trip. We all went o McDonalds, then bowling and Orange Wednesdays. I had to sit next to Joe Allen all day though. God he’s dull. He was telling me all about his trip to trip to Snowdonia, he even got his photo album out (who has an album nowadays). Still Mamadou came along and seems to be looking well. I just hope he’s not getting together with Fanny. He won’t like me when I’m angry!