After Remi Garde’s departure from Aston Villa this week many speculated that Roy Keane may be about to make a spectacular return to Villa Park. Villa are in need of a kick up the proverbial ‘arse’ and who better to administer it than the man famed for being English football’s hardman-in-chief.
However, speaking outside a hotel in Dublin after Ireland’s 2-2 draw with Slovakia, Keane, sporting a spanking new Northface jacket, some heavy duty hiking boots and an ice pick over one shoulder, told reporters:
‘I don’t wish to be considered for any job at all. No, instead i’m taking on the infinitely easier task of carrying out a solo trek to the North Pole. The beard only goes so far towards proving my manliness, and since I’m no longer afforded the possibility of ending the careers of blossoming midfielders, I’ve decided I need a change of direction’.
The news was greeted largely with acceptance from the gathered crowd of journalists in south Dublin who noted that Keane has ‘always had a good engine’, and that if anyone could get the best out of a team of Huskies, it’s Keano.
Keane will be taking on the trek equipped with only a one-man tent, some walking poles and a pocket knife for skinning the pelt of a polar bear which he plans to bring home to take pride of place on his bedroom wall.
Ireland manager Martin O’Neill is also said to be behind the decision, even if it means losing Keane on the bench for the Euros.
‘Roy’s always been his own man, done things his own way. We have no qualms about his safety as, quite honestly, Roy’s stare is enough to ward off any wild animals.’
O’Neill also added, ‘Frankly, the beard was starting to scare us anyway, and on the bench against Switzerland last Friday, I could have sworn I saw something move inside it.’
Despite expecting the trek to last about three weeks, Keane is adamant that he doesn’t need to bring canned or dried food with him to the Arctic:
‘At the end of the day, humans are explorers, and you need to test yourself against the best in anything that you do in life. I’m confident in my ability to hunt bears and wolves with my bare hands, and if you don’t have that self-confidence then, frankly, you’re in the wrong game.’