Boring, boring, boring. Thatâs the view of Manchester United from where Paul Scholes sits, or something to that effect anyway.
And these days Scholes is often sitting on a TV punditsâ panel overlooking Manchester United games. So his view is probably even better than ours. And Paul, weâre seeing the same thing.
Itâs not that United are boring, as such. Itâs just that, well, on the pitch theyâre boring. Which makes them very interesting for anyone who wants to write about them. Frankly, who doesnât love reading about Louis Van Gaal? Who doesnât love seeing him riled up? Who doesnât love baiting the bear?
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Except, arenât United on track in the Premier League? Ok, they drew against Palace in ultra-boring fashion at the weekend, but theyâre still only four points behind the leading two. But perhaps thatâs where any side including players like Mata, Herrera and Martial should sit, if not even higher up. United have a good team, itâs just that theyâre not playing like a good team.
They have the best defensive record in the league, along with Arsenal. But when the teams youâre playing against are pretty much ok with a 0-0, and you donât look like scoring, youâre going to have a fair few clean sheets. Unitedâs problem is, of course, scoring goals. Itâs the attacking record that sucks. Theyâve managed 15 goals this season - the same amount as Norwich and two more than Sunderland, one fewer than Chelsea. Crisis clubs all.
Now, without wishing - and probably failing - to be too incendiary, if a manager like Sam Allardyce or Tony Pulis were the manager of Manchester United, where would they be? Probably in League 2 and battling it out against Crawley Town in the Johnstoneâs Paint quarter finals. But possibly in a similar position. Having scored a small amount of goals, but have one of the best defensive records in the league.
These guys are seen as unsophisticated managers, and with good reason. But they know how to do the simple things in football. They know that overcomplicated is a sin, whereas doing the simple things well can put you in a good position. And getting the simple things right can give you a real platform to build upon.
So the first thing theyâll do when they come into a club is to sort out the defence. Once you stop conceding goals, you can try to add the goals later on. Once you start drawing 0-0 constantly, you can add the threat at the other end and start picking up 1-0 wins, and crucially points.
Louis Van Gaal is going in the opposite direction, however. His team dominate games, they pass it around and just dominate. But itâs a sterile domination. They do nothing with it. Like a lion prowling around in search of its prey. But they lack potency. Theyâre a lion whoâs had a vasectomy. King of the jungle, but forced to enjoy the less obvious pleasures. Having no goals but 70% possession smacks of overcompensationâ¦.
When United welcome CSKA Moscow to Old Trafford tonight, theyâll face the same problem. A team who come to defend and maybe nick one on the break with some very good players who will pose Unitedâs defence problems.
Theyâre top of their league, yet to lose domestically and hold a nine point lead at the top. Theyâre everything United wish they were, and theyâre able to score goals.
It wonât be a boring night at Old Trafford, but that might be less because of what happens on the pitch and more about what happens off it. Everyoneâs talking about United because they donât give us enough to talk about on the pitch.
Tonight might be boring. But it wonât be dull.
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