Who needs a night out in a swanky London night club, paying the net worth of Namibia per sip of Pimms whilst your ear drums are obliterated by deep house or whatever the heck kids listen to nowadays, when you could have an equally enjoyable evening downing K Cider in between spins on Football FanCast’s very own hyperbolic collider?
Indeed, condensing all of today’s tallest transfer tales into one very, very dark and mildly entertaining corner of the internet is The Roundabout – a place where the facts are made up and the stories don’t matter, because they’ve been cooked up by some intern handcuffed to a radiator in the basement of Daily Mail HQ.
Joking aside, what do you do when a 6 foot 6 goalkeeper wants to leave? You buy a 6 foot 7 goalkeeper, of course! Which is apparently what Chelsea plan to do if those transfer-mad nutters at Real Madrid lure Thibaut Courtois to the Bernabeu this summer by dangling Belgian waffles and a large wad of World War I memorabilia under his nose.
In other news, he’s going once, going twice, he’s Gunda-gone! claims The Daily Mail’s intern handcuffed to a radiator, with Borussia Dortmund’s contractually rebellious midfield maestro Ilkay Gundogan apparently set to sign for Manchester City in a £23million deal. It’s not the first time we’ve heard such allegations and certainly won’t be the last, so prepare for plenty more Gundogan-based deals that won’t happen over the next few months.
Meanwhile, Monaco are the only club in world football yet to realise not-so-super Mario Balotelli is not the footballing-genius-trapped-in-the-mind-of-a-six-year-old we all once assumed, with the Ligue 1 outfit reportedly willing to splash the cash on the enigmatic Liverpool flop.
I say splash the cash, the Reds would probably settle for a fiver at the moment. I say a fiver, two half-used AA-batteries and one of those tiny nail clippers you can only find in low-budget Christmas crackers would probably be deemed a fair trade by most on Merseyside.
And Kane-of-the-Lane could go to Spain – or Germany – once his holiday in France is abruptly cut short by England plummeting out of the group stages at Euro 2016. Real Madrid and Bayern Munich are set to ‘heavily monitor‘ Tottenham’s loose-jawed striker over the next few months – something which is completely acceptable if you’re a football club, but apparently very illegal if I do it to that nice young lady across the road.
It’s getting a bit Chile for Arturo Vidal at the Allianz Arena, so he’s hoping some summer snuggles with Arsenal star and international team-mate Alexis Sanchez can warm him up, whilst Antonio Conte could do his old mafioso cronies at Juventus a favour – provided they ask on his daughter’s wedding day – by letting successor Massimo Allegri sign anonymous midfielder Oscar.
And our tallest tall tale of the day – the same thing yet exact opposite of being the shortest kid on the short bus – comes courtesy of Jose Mourinho. The not-so-Special-One is apparently in talks with PSG, scuppering Manchester United’s plans to have him ruin their academy, their bank balance and poke Pep Guardiola in the eye next season.
Boo-hoo. Peace out.