Dear Teflon Dan,
This is my third and final take-it-or-leave-it open letter to you all written in quick succession. This is despite you telling me in no uncertain terms that you weren’t interested in receiving such a correspondence, something I would have known if I’d penned this at any point over the summer and not left it so close to deadline.
Anyway, here it is. Slightly longer than the one before which was ever-so-slightly longer than the one before that.
There were other outstanding candidates for this letter but I’ve chosen only you Dan. Eggs in one basket and all that.
I could have written to Javier Hernandez or Charlie Austin or James Wilson and better yet it would only have cost me a second class stamp. But firing off missives left, right and centre, well that’s a fool’s errand isn’t it Dan, old son? Where does it get you? Somewhere. And who wants somewhere?
Not that I expect you even to read this of course. Rumour is that you forward all of your mail to Harry Kane. By the sackload it arrives and is duly poured onto his young shoulders each and every week. I hope you don’t expect him to reply to any – he’s just a kid, Dan, and by December he’ll be too knackered to deliver.
That’s a joke and I’m sure you know where I’m going with this. But before I do may I first congratulate you on winning the North London NetSpend Cup. £5m wasn’t it which is especially impressive in a summer that required a squad overhaul and the first full transfer window for a coach with very specific methods and requirements. This was either the typically shrewd work of a man who once made a profit on Mido or breath-takingly, staggeringly, punch-yourself-repeatedly-in-the-balls stupid. Hmm, it’s a coin-flip.
Beating Arsenal though, that’s always a crowd fave. Their net spend was…well, I don’t know nor care. To be honest Dan net spend bores me and has the feel of a group of diners leaving a gourmet restaurant and hearing one smug git boast about how few calories he’s just consumed. Live a little and enjoy the crème brulee I say especially when a share of £5.1 billion in TV rights is coming your way soon.
I know there’s a stadium to pay for but a courtesy look down the road at any point in the last decade would have told you everything: a stadium is just a collection of seats without some glory to bring it alive.
Oh and apropos of nothing, how are the books at present Dan? Record profits you say? Smashing.
So Saido Berahino, what was all that about then eh? Any arch negotiator worth his salt knows that Jeremy Peace and West Bromich Albion do not take kindly to being bullied Dan. They have form for this. And you tried to bully them. You have form for this.
And where has your shambolic failure to secure a number nine left you? Spin-doctoring that’s where. Of course. Your default response. “I make no apologies for being ambitious for our club”. Haha oh Dan, you don’t have to apologise for that just like I don’t have to say sorry for being Scarlett Johansson’s boyfriend. Neither is remotely true.
The most frustrating part of this whole sorry business is that you were so close to enjoying a fantastic summer. The deadwood was shifted – unexpectedly bringing in some decent funds too – while Alli, Alderweireld, Wimmer and Tripper were astute acquisitions. The law of averages suggests either Njie or Son will enhance the squad too. Oh Dan you silly sauage: you were so close to once again being able to look down your nose at the rest of the Premier League and how they conduct their business and yet here you are now so, so far adrift.
You and I knew you needed a defensive midfielder and a striker. The Spurs fans knew painfully all-too-well you needed a defensive midfielder and a striker. Even my cat and Joey Essex presumably knew though the latter probably thinks a defensive midfielder is a dinosaur.
Your “pragmatic player trading” has seen the wheels comes off your wheeler-dealer image and put troubling doubts into the minds of supporters who really deserve much better.
Enjoy the NetSpend Cup pal because that’s the only trophy Spurs will lift for quite some time. As the West Brom chairman presumably said to you – peace out.