Apocalypse Fears Grow As Downing Scores For West Ham

Dear Lord, please forgive me.

Stewart Downing has caused chaos at Upton Park by actually going and scoring a goal. Many were said to have forgone their traditional half-time pie and mash so they could call their loved ones. Others just got out of their seats and left the ground in silence. Children cried inconsolably with fathers too confused to even attempt to comfort them.

A player who once caused Liverpool £20m, and having once gone 44 games without scoring after moving to West Ham, Downing appears to be finally finding some form again with 2 goals in his last 4 games in all competitions. This may be good news for the winger but will likely prove fatal for the rest of us.