Another day, another spin on the transfer roundabout – twirling you around in a world of hyperbole whilst you cling onto graffitied metal for dear life.
Starting us off with a push so powerful you’ll be throwing up before the end of this sentence is news that Louis van Gaal and Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s ever-expanding egos can’t possibly exist in the same universe – in fact, they can’t even exist at the same club – leaving Manchester United with a tough choice between the two this summer.
Whilst we’re on the subject of controversial strikers, Diego Costa is so desperate to leave Chelsea that he’s ready to swap Stamford Bridge for the Great Wall of China. The footballing war machine that is the Chinese Super League is prepared to pay a whopping £70million – and double Diego’s wages.
And whilst we’re on the subject of Chelsea strikers, Alexandre Pato’s agent is frolicking around London, getting rival clubs to pick up his bar tab, under the poorly veiled premise of trying to keep the Brazilian in the Premier League once his one-goal-one-game loan spell comes to an end this summer – but Spurs and West Ham aren’t interested.
The Hammers are, however, interested in signing Slaven Bilic’s old Besiktas chum Gokhan Tore, once of Arsenal youth academy fame. But the price of a romantic rendezvous at Upton Park will set Bilic back around 1.6 Andy Carrolls – also known as £24million.
And finally, Arsenal have been linked with two Serie A stars they probably won’t buy because Arsene Wenger prefers to spend his money on African teenagers, whilst Liverpool are chasing a teenager of their own in Dortmund-come-Team-USA prodigy Christian Pulisic.