In a move that has shocked football Franz Beckenbauer, a legend of football administration who was also quite good at playing and managing, has been suspended from all FIFA activity for ninety stress-free days for refusing to submit to an interrogation by some American bloke employed by the Blatter gang.

“Zis Yankee in ein trenchcoat kept asking me how I liked zem apfels, und I told him, I like zer apfels, what is zer problem? I did not understand. What did he want me to say about zer apfels?” said Beckenbauer in an amusing Teutonic accent, “He said he was from a committee for FIFA ethics. Even a German finds that idea sehr funny. I thought I was being Merkeled by comedy Englander defender Rio Franz Ferdinand.”

Questions remain about Beckenbauer’s involvement in the awarding of the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, yet incredulity that a senior FIFA representative could be so bent that the others notice is widespread. For now though, like his namesake the Kaiser, Der Kaiser has been exiled from his kingdom, the kingdom of top flight corrup-, er, football. ‘I might paint some water colours,” he confessed, “The licht is lovely here.”