As the England squad prepare for a massive make or break match- this time with Uruguay -captain Steven ‘Stevie’ Gerrard was at pains to make it clear that as far as the team are considered, there’s no pressure at all.
“I’m a multi-millionaire with a garage bigger than a football pitch, packed with more vehicles than the bus executive. I’ll be fine,” said an unusually cheerful Gerrard, “So we might lose a football match. Big deal! I’ve lost plenty of them before and I’ve still got a house the size of the Maracana.”
Asked how the younger players were feeling about the high pressure situation, Gerrard explained they were coping well. Especially as far as their long term future would still consist of “endless easy sex, sad skin art, undeserved freebies and idiot hangers on fawning all over them regardless of whether they play well or not.”
It’s believed that long sessions with the squad psychiatrist have helped the freakishly rewarded ball kickers come to terms with their good fortune in excelling in a simple physical activity that fascinates such a large part of humanity. Showing them easily understood concepts, such as demonstrating how many more watches they can buy than equally talented performers in other fields of human endeavour, has calmed the mood in the camp. “We’re just kicking back, ordering entire warehouses of shiny things online,” said the captain, “Also, Spain have done us all a favour, getting knocked out so easily. We can’t do worse than that lot.”
Boss Roy Hodgson has hired a set of motivational speakers to gee up the lads before the game, including a Winston Churchill look-a-like, an actor declaiming from Henry V and a Terry Butcher, who cost more than the real Terry Butcher but had a valid passport. A tattooist will be on hand to cheer up the lads when the inevitable happens.