Father’s Day in England is even flatter than usual this year as millions of English dads face the double realization that they’re stuck with their disappointing children and their disappointing national team. As they tucked into a badly prepared breakfast put together by unskilled school-age chefs, the massed dads sighed and momentarily imagined themselves eating al fresco at a table stacked with gourmet items overlooking a tropical sea, accompanied by a dark-haired beauty from a country which regularly makes the late stages of major tournaments.
“It’s not even like we were bad versus Italy, unlike 2010, where England were so dreadful against Algeria that I lost the will to pee and sat stunned in my armchair drinking until I’d given myself a kidney infection,” said experienced dad SJ, reluctant to give his full name, “Instead it was like watching ants crawling over the still-twitching carcass of a lion, or Chile giving Brazil the runaround before losing to two doubtful penalties. Is that what England are now? Chile, without the cheap wine?”
Across the nation, English mums are bracing themselves for an unexciting day which will involve cooking a meal not quite as good as he remembered it, before fluffing up their mum hair, slapping on La Roja lippy, dusting off their lacy occasionals and enduring a sexual encounter less memorable than the unmissable clash between Switzerland and Honduras.