Despite scoring a hat trick against European champions-elect Portugal, tricking poor Pepe into an early bath and ruining the world player of the year’s year, Germany’s Thomas Mueller is still not a happy kampfer.
Over a cooling glass of local bier in the bar of Rio’s select Der Guesthaus Paradiso Rio, the pugnacious ingrate of German football revealed how he really hates being hated. “I am no one’s favourite player,” wailed the yokel-featured goalsniffer, “Not even my grossmutti is searching to swap for my panini sticker. Even Arjen Robben has more fans than me and he’s so full of self-loathing Louis Van Gaal refuses to let him go out clubbing without a psychiatrist.”
Mueller, a scion of the phenomenally rich light yogurt dynasty, is hoping he can change the public’s perception by using his acting skills and vast wealth to remake the traditional Deutsche festive favourite “Dinner For One” for an international audience. The comedy classic will now have English words and shiny full colour and star Dame Judi Dench as the old dame and Mueller as the funny butler.
“Freddie Frinton taught me everything I know about acting- it’s time to give something back,” said Mueller, hopefully.