They should be on top of the world after giving a damn good tickling to African giants Ghana in their opening game, but WOB understands that not everything is hunky dory in the USA camp. The reason? Dissatisfaction with the working methods of coach Jurgen Klinsmann. The former Baywatch star has forced Team USA to particpate in bizarre ‘bonding’ exercises.
“Last week we broke the world record for most footballers crammed into an old-model VW Beetle,” revealed Amish-looking goalminder Tim Howard, “Klinsy actually had his own car shipped to our training camp here, even though Brazil is full of old Volkswagens. And beetles. Geoff Cameron was stuck in there for three hours before we could prise him out. He plays for Stoke, man. He doesn’t need to be supple.”
More controversial has been Klinsmann’s World Cup quilting project, where grown men are encouraged to tell the story of their experiences at Brazil 2014 by stitching bits of cloth together. According to one disgruntled player, the manager plans to auction the finished item to raise funds for girls’ soccer in the Third World.
Just as unpopular is the coach’s insistence on a soundtrack of sunny, laidback Adult Oriented Rock during warm-up and warm-down sessions. “I know we need to counteract acid build-up by gently exercising after a hard workout, but he keeps us out there while whole Eagles albums play.
Most of us are from Germany for God’s sake. We want icy techno, not Lame-o FM.” The unnamed player then dropped his bombshell. “Jozy Altidore isn’t injured. He just couldn’t wait to get back to the North East of England. We envy him. We all want to get back to our rooms to do some coding, but Surfin’ Jurgen is all ‘hup, hup, hup!’”
“It’s not fair,” added teamomate Clint Dempsey, applying a spot of black eyeliner.